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JOHN  E.  BOYD. 


THE 


Berkeley  *  Heroine 


AND  OTHER  STORIES 


.^BOYD 


Tlie   Boss    Bag-grsigre    B-u-ster 

of   IBea.-a.tif-u.l    E!ej:l5:e!l,e37; 


IJERKET.EV,  CAL. 

PUBWSHED   BY   THE   BERKRLKY   PRINTING   CoMPANV 
ODD   I'KLLOWS'    BtJlLDINO 


Entered  accordiug  to  Act  of  Congrob. ,  (Conloderate)  in  the  year 
One  Thousand,  Eight  Hundred  and  Go-to-bed. 


PREFACE 


OVERY  book  has  a  preface,  my  publisher 
^^  tells  me,  and  when  1  inquired  wha(  a 
preface  was,  he  told  me  it  was  a  printed 
page  in  front  of  the  book  that  nobody 
reads,  but  generally  gives  some  hint  how 
and  why  the  book  came  to  be  written. 
The  only  reasons  I  can  give  for  writing  this 
volume  were,  I  had  plenty  of  spare  time, 
and  that  one  of  my  officers  on  the  Sumpter 
wrote  to  me  that  the  story  of  the  capture 
of  the  "Sultana"  should  be  told  in  print, 
and  every  word  as  I  have  told  it  is  true.  I 
may  say  that  all  of  the  story  of  "How 
we  Fooled  the  Schoolmaster,"  is  also  true 
and  was  an  episode  of  my  boyhood  days. 
The  tale  of  "  A  Berkeley  Heroine"  is  also 
— that  is,  readers  can  believe  it  if  they 
want  to  without  extra  charge.  But  if  they 
get  two  truthful  stories  out  of  three  they 
*'  should  have  no  kick  coming"  against 

JOHN  E.  BOYD 


.1   7l^zlr";i 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


http://www.archive.org/details/berkeleyheroineoOOboydrich 


r^? 


The  Berkeley  IDeroirie. 


"You  will  have  to  take  your  lunch  to 
school  to-morrow,  Alice,"  said  Mrs.  Foster 
to  her  daughter,  a  bright  young  miss  of 
sweet  sixteen,  who  her  teacher  said  was  the 
brightest  scholar  in  the  Kellogg  school; 
"You  will  take  your  lunch  as  your  father  is 
going  to  take  your  grandma  and  me  over  to 
see  the  landing  and  reception  of  the  Califor- 
nia volunteers  who  have  just  returned  from 
Manila.  It  will  be  a  grand  sight,  and  your 
father  has  secured  seats  for  us  on  Market 
street  which  a  friend  of  his  has  kindly  placed 
at  his  disposal.  We  have  seats  at  a  second- 
story  window.  You  know  your  cousin  Ed- 
ward is  a  lieutenant  now  in  the  regiment  in 
which  he  enlisted  as  a  private,  and  which 
promotion  he  gained  by  strict  attention  to 
his  duties  and  to  his  soldierly  conduct.  Ah  ! 
'twill  be  a  proud  day  for  his  mother,  whom 
he  parted  with  in  tears  about  a  year  ago,  to 
see  him  return  wearing  an  officer's  uniform 
and  sword— in  fact,  returning  a  hero."  And 
Mrs.  Foster  thought  of  her  own  darling  boy 
who,  had  he  lived,  might  have  followed  "Old 
Glory''  to  the  far-away  Philippines  and  re- 
turned a  heroa     "  Yes,"  replied  Alice,  ''  boys 


dan  become /heroes,  and  get  all  the  praise 
and  have  all  the  glory,  while  we  poor  girls 
can  never  achieve  greatness  or  do  any  heroic 
deed.  Oh  dear,  some  times  I  wish  I  was  a 
boy.  No,  I  don't  either,"  said  she,  blushing. 
^^  but— but"— 

"  Nonsense,"  said  Mrs.  Foster,  ''you  are 
entirely  wrong  Alice.  Think  how  many 
women  have  made  a  name  for  themselves 
throughout  the  civilized  world  by  their  wo- 
manly conduct  or  heroic  actions.  Remem- 
ber the  mother  of  Washington;  remember 
Grace  Darling ;  think  of  brave  Florence 
Nightingale  and  scores  of  other  noble  wo- 
men who  have  made  heroines  of  themselves 
by  their  noble  deeds.  Think  of  that  noble 
woman,  Mrs.  Hearst,  who  has  come  to  reside 
in  Berkeley.  Pause  and  reflect  on  the  im- 
mense amount  of  good  she  is  doing  to  our 
grand  University,  and  see  the  helping  hand 
which  she  holds  outstretched  to  the  students 
of  both  sexes. 

"Remember,  Alice,  that  when  the  names  of 
the  present  generation  shall  be  forgotten  the 
names  I  have  mentioned  will  be  revered  by 
thousands.  Think  you  that  the  name  of 
Phebe  Hearst  will  not  be  remembered  with 
gratitude  by  thousands  yet  unborn  ?  ^  Think 
by  what  a  noble,  yet  simple  deed,  the  name 
of  Barbara  Frietchie  has  been  told  in 
song  and  story.  **Yes,"  said  Alice,  **  but 
there  is  no  hopes  of  my  ever  gaining  a  great 
name  or  becoming  a  heroine.  In  the  first 
place,  I  haven't  got  the  wealth  to  follow  the 


noble  actions  of  the  lady  you  last  named. 
Then,  let  me  see,  Grace  Darling  saved  some 
men  from  drowning-,  didn't  she  ?  Well,  the 
first  time  any  body  falls  into  Strawberry 
Creek  I  am  going  to  rush  out  and  save  them; 
providing  there  is  not  over  two  inches  of 
water  in  the  bed  of  the  creek ;  and  then, 
hurr  ih !  I'll  get  my  name  in  the  Berkeley  and 
San  Francisco  papers,  and  perhaps  some 
city  reporter  will  come  over  and  say,  *'  Mrs. 
Foster,  would  you  be  kind  enough  to  lend 
us  a  photo  of  your  daughter  who  so  heroi- 
cally saved  those  persons  from  drowning 
the  other  day  ?  We  want  it  to  use  in  the 
Sunday  edition  of  the  San  Francisco  How- 
ler\  and  gay-hearted  Alice  gave  the  house 
cat,  who  was  sleeping  on  the  lounge,  a  sly 
pinch  on  one  of  her  ears,  and  then  petted 
poor  kitty  and  inquired  what  troubled  her. 
The  household  was  astir  at  sunrise  and  an 
early  breakfast  was  prepared  and  eaten,  as 
Mrs.  Foster  was  determined  to  get  a  start  to 
avoid  the  rush,  which  in  all  probability  would 
take  place  on  both  ferry-boat  and  street-car 
on  that  day.  Breakfast  over,  a  light  lunch 
was  put  up  for  Alice  to  enjoy  at  the  noon 
hour,  and  as  soon  as  grandma  (who  took  a 
long  time  to  dress)  was  ready,  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Foster,  accompanied  by  grandma  and  Alice, 
took  their  seats  in  the  carriage,  which  on  ac- 
count of  grandma's  infirmities  had  been  en- 
gaged to  convey  them  to  Berkeley  station, 
where  Alice  was  to  leave  them  and  proceed 
to  school. 


8 


After  kissing  ma  and  grandma  good-bye, 
and  receiving  instructions  as  to  where  the 
kitchen  door  key  had  been  hidden,  and  told 
to  go  in  and  help  herself  to  the  eatables  in 
the  pantry  if  she  felt  hungry,  and  receiving 
a  "good-bye"  kiss  from  her  father,  the  latter 
said,  "Alice  I  w^ish  to  warn  you  not  to  go 
near  or  handle  my  shot-gun  which  I  loaded 
a  few  days  ago  to  shoot  those  cats  that  have 
been  troubling  our  chickens.  It  stands  in 
the  closet  off  the  washroom  and  is  loaded 
with  coarse  birdshot ;  and  although  it  may 
not  kill,  it  would  severely  wound  any  one 
who  stood  in  front  of  it,  or  at  least  make 
them  think  that  a  whole  hive  of  bees  had 
stung  them.  So  be  careful  darling  and  don't 
trouble  it.  We  shall  be  hom.e  on  the  ^ve. 
o'clock  train  if  possible;  not  later  than  5:30 
at  the  latest.  So  good  bye,  and  as  they  used 
to  say  when  I  was  a  youngster: 

Go  to  school,  go  to  school, 

And  tell  the  teacher  you're  a  fool. 

"But  no,"  said  Mr.  Fostrr,  gazing  affec- 
tionately at  his  pet,  "papa  is  wrong  to  call 
you  such  names.  You  are  the  bonniest  lass, 
as  the  Scotch  say,  in  Berkeley.  "Yes,''  said 
Mrs.  Foster,  smiling,  "and  she  wants  to  be  p. 
heroine;  to  make  a  name  for  herself  in  the 
world,"  and  she  gave  a  ludicrous  account  of 
Alice's  remark  on  the  preceding  evening  and 
added: 

"Why,  what  do  you  suppose  papa?  Alice 
actually   wished  she   were  a  boy  and    could 


9 

^o  and  fight  the  Philippines."  "Oh  no,"  said 
Alice,  blushing  furiously,  "1  only  said  I  wished 
to  make  a  name  in  the  world;  to  gain  name 
and  fame  by  some  heroic  action."  ''Well," 
said  Mr.  Foster,  ''one  more  sweet  kiss  from 
my  darling,  then  go  to  school  and  imagine 
that  you  have  captured  Aguinaldo  single- 
handed,  and  received  the  thanks  of  the  U.S. 
government  and  also  the  plaudits  of  the 
whole  Yankee  nation  for  your  heroic  action. 
But,  good-bye  dear,  here  comes  our  train." 
And  waving  adieu  to  Alice,  the  party  boarded 
the  Berkeley  train 

Mr.  Foster  was  a  merchant  doing  business 
in  the  city,  but  making  his  home  in  beautiful 
Berkeley.  He  had  built  himself  a  home  near 
the  State  University  where  he  resided  with 
his  wife  and  daughter  Alice  who,  as  the  only 
child,  was  the  pet  of  the  family.  The  only 
other  occupant  of  the  house  besides  the 
Chinese  servant,  was  Grandma  Farquhar, 
who  was  proud  of  her  descent  from  the  Farqu- 
har family  of  Georgia,  whose  broad  plantation 
and  countless  slaves,  situated  in  the  upper 
part  of  the  State,  had  been  her  childhood's 
home;  and  she  often  entertained  and  amused 
Alice  and  her  schoolmates  with  tales  of 
''slavery  days"  and  incidents  of  the  war  of 
the  Rebellion  and  the  sig-hts  she  had  wit- 
ncssed  during  that  eventful  period. 

The  day  at  school  passed  off  without  any 
unusual  event,  although  Alice  made  some 
blunder  in  her  Latin  which  caused  a  look  of 
surprise  on  Professor  James'  face,  as    usually 


lO 


she  was  letter-perfect  in  her  studies.  But 
to-day  her  thoughts  were  with  her  parents 
across  San  Francisco  bay,  and  AHce  felt  le- 
lieved  when  school  closed. 

School  was  dismissed  and  Alice  walked 
along  toward  home  accompanied  by  some  of 
her  schoolmates  whose  homes  lay  in  the 
same  direction.  Slowly  they  sauntered  along, 
gayly  discussing  the  events  of  the  day  and 
the  merits  and  demerits  of  Professor  Water- 
man, Mr.  James,  Miss  Edmonds  and  Miss 
McClean. 

When  she  parted  from  her  companions 
Alice  took  a  short  cut  through  the  Univer- 
sity grounds  as  the  nearest  way  home  As 
she  slowly  walked  along  thinking  over  th-:; 
events  of  the  day  she  was  surprised  to  see 
two  rough-looking,  ill-clad  men  smoking 
short  clay  pipes  and  reclining  at  the  foot  of 
an  old  oak  tree.  Alice  was  somewhat  star- 
tled and  was  about  to  retrace  her  steps 
when  her  attention  was  arrested  by  hearing 
one  of  the  men  say,  "I  tell  you  it's  a  safe 
job,  the  hull  of  the  family  is  gone  to  «he  ciiy- 
to  see  the  big  parade  and  there's  a  host  of 
silverware  in  the  china  closet.  I  peeked 
through  the  winder  this  mornin'  when  they 
was  eatin'  breckfus  and  seed  it  all  glistenin'. 
I  tell  yer  we  can  "crack  the  crib"  as  easy 
as  I  can  light  this  pip".  I'll  bet  there's  two 
or  threr  hundred  dollars'  worth  of  silver- 
ware and  it'll  make  us  rich  Dun  no  but 
what  I'll  take  a  trip  to  Yurop  when  I  get  it 
in  old  Jerry's  meltin'  pot,  and  bid  farewell  ot 


1 1 


the  Barbary  Coast  and  wipe  my  weepin' 
eyes,  as  the  Salvation  Army  sings.  Come 
let's  make  a  break,  or  old  man  Foster  will 
be  comin'  home  with  the  woman  and  kid, 
and  then  there'll  be  no  chance  to  handle  all 
the  purty  silver  jimcracks.  Come,  shake  a 
leg  and  let's  travel." 

Alice  stood  petrified.  All  the  ruffians'  talk 
indicated  their  intention  to  rob  her  father's 
home.  What  could  she  do  to  prevent  it  ? 
There  was  no  near  neighbors  to  call  on  for 
assistance,  and  to  run  down  to  Shattuck 
avenue  and  obtain  help  would  be  useless;  be- 
sides, she  was  afraid  to  stir  lest  the  ruffians 
should  overhear  her.  The  group  of  bushes 
behind  which  she  stood  effectually  concealed 
her  from  the  sight  of  the  tramps,  and  fear 
kept  her  quiet. 

•*I  say,  Mose,"  said  the  elder  of  the  two 
villians,  "you  jest  run  over  to  the  house  and 
ring  the  front  door  bell  and  make  sure  there 
is  nobody  at  home.  If  anybody  comes  to 
the  door  give  them  a  song  and  dance  about 
wood  to  saw,  or  garden  to  spade.  If  nobody 
comes  to  the  door,  hoof  it  round  to  the 
winder  and  take  a  peep  in,  I'll  stay  here 
and  if  I  see  anybody  coming  I'll  whistle." 
''All  hunky,"  said  the  one  called  Mose,  "I'll 
be  back  in  a  jiffy;"  and  away  the  younger 
robber  started,  while  his  companion  in  crime 
lazily  reclined  on  the  bank  smoking,  the 
fumes  of  which  was  anything  but  pleasant  to 
the  nostrils  of  poor  Alice  who  stood  motion- 
less, not  daring  to  move. 


In  a  few  moments  the  vounger  ruffian  re- 
turned and  with  an  oath  declared  that  the 
coast  was  clear  and  "ail  quiet  on  the  Poto- 
mac. 

His  partner  then  inquired  regardinp-  the 
wmdow  fastenings,  and  on  receiving  an  an- 
swer said,  -Well,  come  ahead  then.  I  want  to 
handle  some  of  that  purty  silverware  I  seed 
this  mornin." 

The  mention  of  the  silverware  caused  poor 
Alice  a  sad  pang.      Every  piece,  consisting  of 
massive  tray,  sugar  bowl,  cream  pitcher   tea 
pot  and  one  dozen  large,  and    the  same  num. 
ber     of    small    teaspoons,    butter    bowl    and 
knite,  had  been  in  grandma's  family  for  gen> 
erations  back,    and    were   valued    heirlooms 
Grandma  I^arquhar  had  inherited  them  from' 
her  ancestors  in  her  old  Georgia  home.    The 
silverware  had  been    buried   time  after  time 
during  the  civil  war  of  '61-65.    and   it    had 
been  Alices    delight  to   listen   to   grandma's 
stones  of  the  events   of  that   stirring  period 
How  when  Sherman's    army   made  'its   cele- 
brated march  through  Georgia  the  Farquehar 
plantation  lay  directly  in  its   road,  and  horri- 
ble   rumors    were    circulated   regarding    the 
thievish    propensities   of    the   Yankee  Vmy 
How  all  the  valuable   jewelry  and  silverware 
had    been  hastily   buried    bv   one   of  the  ne- 
groes, an  old  slave  named    Hector,    who  was 
born  on  the  plantation  and  was  n  garded  and 
trusted  as  one  of  the  family.      Grandma  who 
was  a  young  girl  at  that  time,  used  to  relate 
how  old  Hector  came  in  quite  pleased,  and 


Assured  "Old  Missus"  that  "dat  dem  Yan- 
kees done  walked  right  ober  de  spot  whar 
dem  tings  war  buried   and   neber    saw  dem." 

The  Union  officers  were,  however,  very 
polite  to  the  ladies  of  the  Farquhar  family, 
even  applauding  when  Miss  Belle  (as  grand- 
ma was  then  called,)  in  a  spirit  of  defiance 
sang  the  "Bonnie  Blue  Flag,"  and  they  lost 
nothing  but  some  chickens  and  sweet  pota- 
toes which  the  Yankee   soldiers  gobbled  up. 

After  the  Yankees  left,  a  detachment  of 
the  Confederate  cavalry  encamped  near  the 
plantation  and  remained  about  ten  days. 
Again  was  the  silverware  and  other  valuables 
buried  by  old  Hector,  and  although  the  sol- 
diers helped  themselves  to  the  hay  and  grain 
for  their  horses,  nothing  else  was  missed,  and 
the  family  was  not  disturbed  or  molested. 
After  both  armies  left  the  vicinity  a  gang  of 
ruffians  and  outlaws,  known  as  "Red  Burns' 
Guerrilas,  made  their  appearance  in  the  neigh- 
borhood, and  although  claiming  to  belong  to 
the  Confederate  army,  robbed  both  friend 
and  foe  alike.  Again  was  the  treasure  bur- 
ied, and  although  the  guerillas  questioned 
every  slave  on  the  plantation,  they  received 
no  information,  for  the  simple  reason  that 
none  but  old  Hector  and  the  whites  of  the 
family  knew  where  it  was. 

Grandma  used  to  describe  to  Alice  the 
terrible  scenes  which  took  place  when  Red- 
burn  and  his  gang  arrived  on  the  plantation. 
How  they  invaded  the  home,  ripped  up  the 
carpets,  plunged  swords  into  the  feather  beds 


H 

and  searched  high  and  low  for  the  valuables 
they  were  certain  were  concealed  somewhere, 
and  to  add  insult  to  injury,  threatened  to 
burn  the  house  and  skive  quarters  unless  the 
valuables  were  handed  over  to  them.  How- 
ever, they  succeeded  in  sending  news  of  the 
the  situation  to  the  male  members  of  the 
family  who  were  serving  in  the  Confederate 
army. 

Hon.  Col.  DeCourcey,  an  uncle  of  grand- 
ma's, arrived  with  a  company  of  cavalry,  with 
orders  from  Gen.  Sinclair  of  the  Confederate 
forces  to  draft  every  one  of  the  cowardly 
guerillas  into  the  Confederate  army  or  wipe 
them  off  the  earth,  and  the  general  said  he 
did  not  give  a  hang  which. 

That  very  morning  some  of  the  guerillas 
having  learned  from  a  slave  who  was  jeal- 
ous of  the  popularity  of  old  Hector  with  the 
whites,  and  likewise  having  been  threatened 
by  some  of  the  gang,  confided  to  them  that 
probably  old  Hector  was  aware  of  any  hid- 
ing place  which  held  the  family  belongings  as 
he  was  acquainted  with  a  great  many  family 
secrets,  and  had  even  been  allowed  to  carry 
the  key  of  the  smoke-house. 

The  ruffians  had  already  placed  a  rope 
around  Hector's  neck,  and  with  a  refinement 
of  cruelty  had  forced  all  the  females  of  the 
family,  (the  males  were  all  away  in  the  army) 
to  come  out  and  see  the  nigger  hang,  no 
doubt,  hoping  that  sympathy  for  the  poor 
fellow  would  induce  some  of  the   females  to 


15 

betray  the  hiding  place  of  any  valuables  they 
might  have  concealed. 

In  fact  the  mistress  of  the  plantation, 
grandma's  mama  had  just  started  forward 
with  an  offer  to  surrender  all  the  valuables  on 
condition  that  the  ruffians  should  spare  old 
Hector,  but  at  this  juncture  a  cheer  was 
heard  down  the  lane,  a  few  shots  were  fired 
and  the  guerillas  ordered  to  surrender. 

The  new  arrivals  were  Col.  DeCourcey 
and  a  company  of  Confederate  cavalry.  Old 
Hector  was  at  once  released,  while  the  band 
of  outlaws  were  placed  under  arrest  and  sent 
to  the  nearest  Confederate  camp. 

Alice  never  grew  weary  of  hearing  her 
grandma  relate  the  stirring  events  of  the 
Rebellion.  She  knew  that  grandma  valued 
the  silverware  far  above  its  intrinsic  worth 
as  a  souvenier  of  her  girlhood  days;  and 
now  to  think  that  these  ruffians  were  plan- 
ning to  steal  and  carry  it  off  But  what 
could  she  do — no  one  was  in  sight.  Oh!  if 
pa,  or  even  the  Chinese  boy  was  at  home, 
but  he  too,  had  been  granted  a  holiday  and 
had  gone  to  see  his  cousin  over  in  San 
Francisco.  Oh!  if  she  were  only  in  the 
house  she  might  scream  from  an  up-stairs' 
window  and  frighten  the  ruffians  away.  But 
no, — there  she  was  in  that  clump  of  bushes, 
not  daring  to  stir,  scarcely  to  breathe  lest  she 
should  be  overheard. 

In  a  few  minutes  the  younger  ruffian  re- 
turned and  with  a  great  many  slang  expres- 
sions, explained  that  he  "rang  the  bell  and 


r6 


made  a  circuit  of  the  house  and   there   was 
no  one  at  home." 

After  a  short  talk  the  two  desperadoes 
agreed  to  break  one  of  the  dining-room 
windows  and  effect  an  entrance  that  way. 
As  they  moved  off,  tears  came  in  AHce'seyes 
as  she  thought  how  bad  her  grandma  would 
feel  at  the  loss  of  her  silverware.  Oh!  what 
could  she  do  to  save  it!  She  thought  of  the 
events  of  the  night  before.  How  she  wished 
she  were  a  boy.  Then  of  her  wish  to  be  a 
heroine.  Suddenly  the  thought  struck  her 
if  she  could  save  grandma's  precious  silver- 
ware from  the  hands  of  the  robbers,  would 
it  not  be  a  heroic  action?  Would  not  her 
dear  mama  and  papa  praise  her.'^  And  the 
gratitude  of  grandma!  Oh!  yes,  she  must 
save  that  silverware  at  any  cost. 

But  how  ?  No  help  was  near.  She  must 
do  it  alone.  Suddenly  she  thought  of  her 
father's  words  about  the  shotgun,  ''  it  might 
not  kill,  but  you  would  think  a  hive  of  bees 
had  stung  you."  It  was  in  the  washroom 
and  the  key  of  the  kitchen  door  was  hidden 
in  the  woodshed  under  an  old  coat  which 
hung  there. 

She  would  softly  unlock  the  kitchen  door, 
gain  access  to  the  washroom,  seize  the  gun, 
throw  open  the  dining-room  door  and  order 
the  villains  to  surrender.  She  glanced  to- 
ward the  house;  the  tramps  were  under  the 
dining-room  window,  and  one  was  standing 
on  the  other's  shoulders.  She  heard  the 
sound  of  breaking  glass.     She  saw  one  of 


17 

the  villains  raise  the  window,  crawl  tlirongh 
and  assist  his  companion  in  crime  np.  Now 
was  her  time. 

Quickly  hurrying  around  the  other  side 
of  the  house  she  gained  the  woodshed,  and 
in  a  moment  had  possession  of  the  key.  As 
she  turned,  the  sight  of  a  large  American 
flag,  which  her  father  hoisted  on  the  flagpole 
in  front  of  the  house  on  all  holidays,  caught 
her  eye.  She  remembered  that  one  time 
when  the  janitor  of  the  Kellogg  school  had 
hoisted  the  school  flag  upside  down  by  mis- 
take, how  that  bold,  bad  expressman,  John 
Boyd,  had  criticised  his  doing  so  in  the 
Berkeley  Advocate,  How  he  said  that  a  flag 
was  never  hoisted  ''  Union  down"  unless  in 
case  of  distress;  and  surely  this  was  a  case 
of  deep  distress.  Besides,  her  father  would 
see  the  flag  while  up  the  road  and  would 
hasten  to  see  what  was  the  matter. 

Alice  quickly  seized  the  flag,  and  running 
around  the  opposite  side  of  the  house  bent 
it  on,  Union  down,  and  was  glad  when  the 
breeze  streamed  it  out. 

Now  for  the  shotgun.  One  moment! 
How  should  she  accost  the  thieves?  Why, 
put  on  a  bold  face,  rush  in,  point  the  gun  at 
the  burglars  and  force  them  to  remain  quiet 
until  her  father  came.  She  at  first  thought 
of  repeating  to  the  villains  her  favorite  lines 
in  her  best  loved  poem  "  Barbara  Frietchie." 

"Who  touches  one  hair  of  yon  gray  head 
Pies  like  a  dog.    March  on,"  he  said. 


tfe 


But  as  the  intruders  were  not  touching 
any  gray  head,  that  would  not  be  appropri- 
ate; but  she  would  trust  to  circumstances 
and  proceed  to  action.  Carefully  grasping 
the  gun  Alice  crept  cautiously  to  the  dining- 
room  door  and  threw  it  open,  and  what  a 
sight  met  her  eyes!  Seated  on  the  floor 
were  the  two  ruffians,  one  holding  a  grain 
sack  while  the  other  placed  the  different 
articles  of  silverware  in  it.  Other  articles 
usually  kept  in  the  closet  were  scattered  on 
the  floor,  showing  that  the  closet  had  been 
thoroughly  overhauled  and  all  the  contents 
thrown  out.  The  sight  of  Alice  caused  the 
ruffians  to  rise  to  their  feet.  But  as  the  young 
lady  pointed  the  gun  and  cried  out  '^  Sur- 
render or  die,"  they  sank  back   in  dismay. 

After  a  moment's  pause  the  elder  ruffian 
said:  "Say,  Miss,  jest  pint  that  gun  the 
other  way  and  me  and  my  pard  will  jump 
out  of  the  winder  and  say  au  revoir  and 
vamoos  the  ranch." 

"  Please  sit  still,"  replied  Alice,  "or  you 
die  like  a  dog." 

Now  the  truth  must  be  told;  Alice  had 
never  handled  a  gun  before  and  did  not 
know  enough  to  raise  the  hammer  and  cock 
the  gun.  But  this  the  tramps  did  n'ot  per- 
ceive, and  like  cowards  as  they  were,  sat 
trembling  and  did  not  dare  to  move.  One 
of  the  ruffians  did  propose  to  "jump  up  and 
choke  the  kid."  But  when  Alice  (with  her 
heart  in  her  mouth)  answered  boldly  "  come 
on  and  try  it,"  the  ruffians  sat  still.     Again 


19 

when  one  of  the  scoundrels  drew  an  old 
sooty  clay  pipe  from  his  pocket  and  pre- 
paiedto  smoke,  Alice  simply  said:  ''My  ma 
does  not  allow  any  smoking  in  the  house. 
Put  that  pipe  away,"  and  the  command  was 
obeyed  so  promptly  that  it  gave  Alice  cour- 
age, though  she  constantly  held  the  g^un  in 
readiness  to  bring  it  to  her  shoulder.  All 
of  a  sudden  Alice  heard  the  sound  of  ap- 
proaching wheels,  and  one  of  the  tramps 
exclaimed  with  an  oath :  "  There's  a  kerreige 
comin'  down  the  road." 

Alice  was  overjoyed  and  made  a  step  to- 
ward the  window;  upon  seeing  which  one  of 
the  robbers  started  to  arise  from  the  floor. 
Quick  as  a  flash  Alice  turned  and  leveled 
the  weapon,  at  the  same  time  exclaiming: 
"Please  sit  down;"  a  polite  request  which 
the  man,  with  one  glance  at  the  shotgun  in 
the  hands  of  the  young  girl  was  good  enough 
to  obey. 

The  sound  of  wheels  grew  nearer,  and  as 
Alice  caught  sight  of  her  father  seated  on 
the  front  with  the  driver,  Alice  screamed 
with  all  her  might:  "Fire!  robbers!  help! 
murder!  fire!  thieves!  help!"  Mr.  Foster 
heard  and  recognized  the  voice  of  his  daugh- 
ter, and  his  first  thought  was  of  fire.  Jump- 
ing from  the  carriage  he  seized  an  empty 
water  pail  which  stood  out  on  the  flower 
beds;  he  sprang  through  the  rear  of  the 
house  into  the  dining-room,  and  one  glance 
told  the  story.  The  leveled  gun  held  by 
his    daughter,    the    silverware    and    other 


20 


articles  scattered  over  the  floor,  the  crouch- 
ing robbers.  Seizing  the  gun  from  his 
daughter's  hands  he  cocked  both  barrels 
and  shouted,  "  Surrender,  you  villains,  or  I 
will  fill  you  full  of  lead." 

"  Yes,"  shouted  Alice  (remembering  her 
last  lesson  in  history  relating  to  the  capture 
of  Crown  Point  by  Ethan  Allen  during  the 
war  of  the  Revolution)  "  Surrender  in  the 
name  of  the  Great  Jehovah  and  the  Conti- 
nental Congress!"  and  turning  to  her  mama, 
who  had  just  hurried  in,  Alice  fell  into  her 
arms  exclaiming:  '' They— were— going— to 
rob — grandma — of — her — silverware,"  faint- 
ed. Laying  Alice  on  the  lounge  Mrs.  Fos- 
ter called  in  Joe  Frick,  the  driver  of  the 
carriage,  and  bade  him  drive  down  to  Shat- 
tuck  avenue  and  request  Marshal  Lloyd,  or 
one  of  his  deputies,  to  return  with  him  to 
arrest  the  captured  outlaws. 

Frick  soon  returned  with  the  Marshal 
and  also  a  reporter  of  the  Advocate^  who 
had  heard  the  news  and  had  visions  of  a 
^'  scoop"  before  his  eyes,  and  to  Alice's  con- 
fusion skillfully  drew  from  her  a  full  account 
of  the  day's  happenings.  Alice  very  mod- 
estly told  her  story,  after  which  Marshal 
Lloyd  handcuffed  the  two  villains  and  Start- 
ed for  the  county  jail.  Alice  received  the 
congratulations  of  her  friends  and  neighbors^ 
who  crowded  in  to  hear  of  her  strange  ad- 
venture, and  to  her  surprise  the  Berkeley 
Advocate  came  out  with  a  two-column  ac- 
count of  her   daring   act    headed  in   large 


21 


letters:  "  A  Heroic  Berkeley  Girl.  She 
Captures  Two  Burglars  and  Saves  the 
Family  Jewels.  A  Young  Lady  of  whom 
Berkeley  should  be  proud."  And  it  made 
Alice  feel  proud  to  read  the  kind  commen- 
dations which  the  big-hearted  editor  of  the 
Advocate  showered  on  her. 

But  what  a  welcome  she  received  the  next 
morning  when  she  entered  Kellogg  school 
yard.  How  her  schoolmates  petted  and  ad- 
mired her.  How  Prof.  Waterman  shook 
hands  and  congratulated  her  on  her  pluck 
and  courage,  and  said  he  was  proud  of  her 
as  a  pupil.  It  was  a  disagreeable  feature  of 
the  case  when  Alice  had  to  go  down  to  the 
Superior  Court  as  witness  in  the  case  for 
the  People  vs.  Moses  Riley  and  Peter  Mc- 
Cann.  Alice  dreaded  the  ordeal;  but  when 
in  simple  language  she  told  how  she  had 
followed  the  burglars,  how  she  had  covered 
them  with  the  shotgun  and  forced  them  to 
surrender,  the  court  rang  with  applause. 
How  the  judge  in  his  charge  to  the  jury 
called  her  a  "brave  American  girl";  how 
the  jury,  after  finding  the  prisoners  guilty, 
begged  the  privilege  of  shaking  hands  with 
her.  But  it  must  be  confessed  that  Alice 
felt  sorry  when  she  heard  the  prisoners  sen- 
tenced to  ten  years  in  San  Quentin. 

A  few  days  after  grandma  sent  for  lawyer 
Graber  and  added  a  codicil  to  her  will,  which 
read: 

"  And  in  addition  to  the  bequest  hereto*- 
fore    made    to    my    beloved  granddaughter 


22 


Alice  Foster,  I  hereby  bequeath  to  her  all 
my  silverware  known  as  the  '  Farquhar  sil- 
ver ware,'  which  I  wish  her  to  keep  in  mem- 
ory of  the  giver." 


Slje  Capture  of  tlje  gultarja. 

A  San  Francisco  newspaper  has  an  article 
stating  that  the  "  Marion,"  an  old  sloop  of 
war,  is  to  be  stationed  in  the  bay  as  a  prac- 
tice ship  for  the  naval  reserve. 

It  is  now  thirty-eight  years  since  I  last 
saw  the  ''  Marion"  on  the  west  coast  of 
Africa.  We  were  blockading  the  mouth  of 
the  Congo  on  the  lookout  for  slavers.  It 
was  well  known  that  one  of  these  was  up 
the  river  with  her  slave  deck  laid  ready  to 
take  in  her  dusky  cargo. 

There  was  a  spirit  of  rivalry  between  the 
officers  of  the  U.  S.  S.  Sumpter,  on  which  I 
was,  and  those  of  the  Marion,  each  being 
anxious  to  make  the  capture,  as  in  all  prob- 
ability there  would  be  not  only  the  value  of 
the  ship,  but  eighteen  or  twenty  thousand 
dollars  prize  money  for  the  "blackbirds." 

Our  officers  held  frequent  consultations 
as  to  the  best  way  to  effect  the  capture.  One 
evening  I  overheard  Lieut.  Greer  say  to  the 
captain:  ''The  best  plan  that  I  can  form  is 
to  find  a  trustworthy  man  to  act  the  ship- 
wrecked sailor  or  deserter." 

After  some  further  discussion  the  captain 


23 

went  below  and  I  seized  the  first  opportunity 
to  interview  Lieut.  Greer,  urging  him  to 
recommend  me  for  the  deserter  in  case  the 
captain  decided  to  act  upon  his  plan.  He 
looked  at  me  in  surprise.  ''Why,  you  young 
powder  monkey,"  said  he,  "  what  the  devil 
do  you  think  you  could  do  ?  The  captain 
of  the  Sultana,  when  he  caught  you  hanging 
around  his  vessel,  would  probably  hang  you 
up  and  give  you  three  dozen." 

Undismayed,  I  continued  to  urge  the  mat- 
ter, saying  that  I  would  pose  as  a  runaway 
from  the  Harriet  Foster,  a  palm-oil  trader 
that  had  sailed  the  day  before  for  Boston.  I 
received  however,  no  encouragement  from 
my  officer  and  was  agreeably  surprised  the 
next  morning  to  receive  a  summons  from 
the  captain  to  his  cabin.  As  I  stood  cap  in 
hand,  all  expectancy,  he  began:  "Well, 
Boyd,  so  you  want  to  go  up  and  fool  the 
captain  of  the  Sultana,  do  you?  I  fear, 
however,  that  he  may  fool  you  with  a  rope's 
end,  or  feed  you  to  the  crocodiles." 

I  was  burning  to  go,  for  I  saw  in  imagina- 
tion my  share  of  the  prize  money  and  a 
probable  purse  from  my  officers  and  ship- 
mates, who  would  feel  that  thc}^  were  in- 
debted to  me  for  gaining  the  prey  for  them 
instead  of  allowing  it  to  fall  to  the  Marion. 
The  chance  of  promotion  too  was  no  small 
incentive. 

The  captain  made  every  possible  objection, 
and  just  as  I  was  about  to  give  up  hope  he 
said:  "  I   have  a  notion  to  let  you  try  your 


H 

luck,  but  you  must   volunteer,  I    will    not 
detail  you.'' 

"All  right,"  I  said  joyfully,  "I  volun- 
teer." 

It  was  arranged  that  two  of  our  Krou  men, 
called  Tom  Lee  and  Happy  Jack  [natives  of 
the  African  coast)  were  to  take  me  in  a 
canoe  up  the  river  twenty-five  miles  and 
leave  me  within  half  a  mile  of  the  slave 
ship,  and  that  the  same  men  were  to  come 
up  daily  on  the  flood  tide  and  I  was  to  meet 
them  and  communicate  with  them  when 
possible  and  keep  them  informed  as  to  the 
progress  of  events;  or  if  to  meet  them 
proved  impracticable  I  was  to  tie  a  white 
rag  around  some  tree  to  be  decided  upon  as 
s  )on  as  they  should  begin  to  load  the  blacks. 

It  did  not  take  us  long  to  reach  the  bend 
in  the  river,  just  above  which  the  slaver  lay 
anchored.  After  deciding  upon  a  signal 
tree  they  left  me  and  returned  to  the  ship, 
while  I  walked  along  the  bank  up  the  river. 

Our  surgeon.  Dr.  Otis,  had  made  a  bet  of 
five  dollars  with  Lieut.  Greer,  that  I  would 
''crawfish''  and  return  with  the  canoe.  I 
am  proud  to  say  that  the  doctor  lost  his  bet. 
A  fifteen  minute  walk  brought  me  to  the 
Barracoons  (walled  enclosures  where  the 
captives  were  housed  until  the  ship  was 
ready  to  receive  them.)  The  report  that  a 
man-of-war  lay  at  the  mouth  of  the  river 
caused  the  delay. 

As  I  came  abreast  I  was  approached  by  a 
yawl    carrying   two   white   men  dressed  in 


25 

white  linen  suits  and  two  black  men  in  cast- 
off  officers'  uniforms.  As  they  stepped 
ashore,  one  of  them  eyeing  me  closely,  said  : 

''  Where  in  hell  did  you  come  from  ?" 

I  replied  that  I  had  just  come  up  the 
river  hoping  to  ship  with  them. 

"  And  what  d Yankee  or  lime  juice 

man-of-war  do  you  hail  from?"  Engl,sh 
vessels  are  called  "  Lime  Juicers"  on  ac- 
count of  that  article  being  served  out  as  a 
ration  to  prevent  scurvy. 

I  told  him  that  I  came  from  no  man-of- 
war,  but  had  left  the  Harriet  Foster  the  day 
before  she  sailed  as  I  had  had  a  row  with 
the  mate. 

"  And  now  you  want  us  to  pilot  you 
home,"  said  he.  "Well,  go  aboard  and  see 
the  mate.  Tell  him  that  I  sent  you  and  to 
let  you  sign  articles." 

I  went  on  board,  saw  the  mate,  who  after 
a  short  talk  in  which  I  related  my  story 
about  the  Harriet  Foster,  took  me  down  to 
the  cabin  and  produced  the  articles,  after 
which  I  inquired  when  they  were  to  sail. 

"D— d  if  I  know,"  replied  he,  "  it  all  de- 
pends upon  when  these  cussed  men-of-war 
will  clear  the  coast." 

He  then  enquired  if  I  had  any  clothes, 
and  when  I  told  him  they  were  all  left  on 
the  Harriet  Foster  he  said  I  might  draw  on 
the  '^slop  chest"  for  what  I  wanted. 

I  went  down  to  dinner  with  the  crew  upon 
the  sounding  of  eight  bells.  The  fare  was 
better  than  that  usually  served  upon  mer- 


26 


chant  ships  and  the  men  said  they  had  soft 
tack  (bread)  three  days  out  of  the  week  and 
plum  duff  every  Sunday.  The  work  was 
not  hard.  All  the  talk  was  about  when  they 
would  take  in  their  ''cargo."  Then  hurrah 
for  Cuba!  Every  man  was  promised  one 
thousand  dollars  upon  the  safe  delivery  of 
the  cargo.  The  crew  consisted  of  twelve 
men  and  one  boy.  They  had  lost  a  boy 
overboard  on  the  voyage  out  and  I  was  to 
take  his  place. 

After  dinner  the  crew,  instead  of  being 
set  to  work  as  is  usual  on  merchant  ships, 
lounged  around  the  decks  smoking,  while 
two  or  three  without  asking  permission  of 
the  mate  jumped  into  a  boat  and  rowed 
ashore.  The  other  boy,  whose  name  was 
Antone,  asked  me  to  come  ashore  and  get 
some  bananas  that  grew  plentifully  near  the 
barracoon.  I  did  so,  and  made  an  errand 
ashore  every  day,  running  when  I  was  alone 
down  to  the  signal  tree  in  hopes  of  seeing 
Tom  Lee  and  Happy  Jack  when  they  came 
up  on  the  flood  tide.  I  never  saw  them  but 
once  and  then  I  was  obliged  to  motion  them 
away,  for  just  as  they  were  paddling  toward 
the  bank  I  heard  Antone  calling  me. 

One  afternoon  the  captain  sent  a  .note  to 
the  mate,  who  ordered  me  to  go  to  the  galley 
and  tell  the  cook  to  have  dinner  ready  at  six 
bells  (four  o'clock).  When  I  delivered  the 
message  the  cook  said,  ''  I'll  bet  a  month's 
wages  that  we're  off  tonight." 

I  was   astounded.     It  was  too  late  to  tie 


27 

the  signal  to  the  tree  as  the  tide  was  on  the 
ebb  and  I  knew  that  the  canoe  mnst  have 
returned  to  the  ship  for  that  day. 

After  supper  the  canoes  began  to  come 
alongside  with  the  poor  human  freight.  The 
victims  came  over  one  by  one,  while  the 
mate  stood  at  the  gangway  counting  off  in 
groups  of  five,  and  the  second  mate,  assisted 
by  two  or  three  seamen,  were  packing  them 
in  the  ,'  'tween  decks."  I  say  packing,  for 
no  other  word  will  describe  the  process  of 
loading  a  slaver.  They  were  packed  as 
close  as  sardines  in  a  box,  for  every  slave 
was  worth  from  six  hundred  to  a  thousand 
dollars. 

Rum  had  been  dealt  out  freely  to  both 
crew  and  negro  drivers. 

As  soon  as  the  last  black  was  stowed  be- 
low the  hatches  were  put  on,  wind  sails 
hoisLed,  the  fore  and  main  topsail  and  jib 
loosed  and  hoisted.  The  hawsers  that  had 
tethered  us  to  the  trees  were  cast  off  and  the 
mate  shouted,  "Hurrah  for  Cuba  " 

Our  voyage  had  begun  !  I  had  intended 
to  slip  ashore  and  make  for  the  old  Sumpter 
or  hide  in  the  jungle  until  the  canoe  should 
come  up;  but  alas,  the  mate  detailed  me  to 
hold  a  lantern  over  the  main  hatch,  in  order 
to  prevent  the  niggers  from  breaking  their 
necks,  as  he  said,  and  I  could  get  no  relief 

My  only  hope  now  was  that  one  of  the 
men-of-war,  either  the  Sumpter  or  the  Mar- 
ion, and  I  was  not  very  particular  which  one, 
would   capture  us.      It    was  slack  water  and 


28 


the  tide  would  soon  ebb.  The  captain  and 
an  old  negro  were  on  the  forecastle  acting  as 
pilots.  i\o  bells  were  struck,  no  lights  dis- 
played and  no  noise  allowed. 

Everything  went  well  until  about  eleven 
o'clock  when  the  captain  shouted,  "llarda 
port!  Hard  a  port!  Where  in  hell  arc  you 
steering  for?" 

Presently  the  nose  of  the  Sultana  was 
pointed  to  the  south  bank  of  the  river  and 
the  tide,  which  was  now  ebbing  fast,  drifted 
her  on  to  a  sand  shoal  and  there  she  stuck. 
Almost  superhuman  effort  on  the  part  of  of- 
ficers and  crew  availed  nothing.  It  was 
plain  that  we  were  there  to  stay.  What  was 
to  be  done? 

Should  the  slaves  be  unloaded  at  the  risk 
of  losing  large  numbers  into  the  bush,  or 
should  we  lie  quietly  awaiting  the  floodtide? 
The  latter  course  was  finally  decided  upon. 
A  party  was  dispatched  ashore  to  cut  trees 
and  branches.  Long  before  morning  every 
mast  and  spar  was  so  decorated  that  we 
looked  to  be  a  part  of  the  forest. 

Having  worked  a  good  share  of  the  night 
we  were  not  disturbed  until  ten  o'clock  the 
next  morning.  Then  began  the  routine  of 
breakfast,  "feeding  the  cargo."  The  slave- 
deck  was  hosed  and  there  the  poor  creatures 
were  dealt  each  a  tin  of  rice  and  a  sea 
biscuit. 

During  this  process  a  small  squad  was 
directed  to  "rouse  up  the  stiffs."  Shortly  the 
word  was  shouted  up  the  hatchway  that  there 


29 

were  three  "stiffs,"  and  the  second  mate 
ordered  me  to  fix  a  block  and  tackle  on  the 
mainstay  to  hoist  out  the  'damaged  freight," 
as  they  flippantly  called  the  murdered  human 
beings,  just  as  the  bodies  were  laid  on  deck 
the  captain  came  along  and  began  to  curse 
''Old  King  Hurricane,"  the  boss  of  the  bar- 
racoon,  for  putting  on  board  "sick  niggers," 
finishing  his  hari'angue  with  a  grand  finale  in 
the  swearing  art,  accompanied  by  a  threat  to 
kill  the  old  black  on  sight. 

I  had  been  studying  all  the  morning  on 
the  serious  problem  of  getting  word  to  the 
Sumpter.  The  only  possible  course  seemed 
to  be  to  run  down  the  river  a  mile  or  two  and 
hail  the  boys  who  would  soon  be  coming  up 
in  the  canoe.  But  to  steal  ashore  was  a  very 
difficult  matter.  For  some  time  I  had  been 
working  on  deck  and  watching  my  chance 
when  I  heard  the  captain  call  out  in  the  bush 
language,  ''Aja  ma  we  bo"  (come  here,  boys), 
and  add  in  the  same  tongue  that  he  had 
plenty  of  whiskey.  I  looked  around  and 
there  was  the  canoe  with  Tom  Lee  and 
Happy  Jack.  I  was  thunder  struck  and 
frightened.  The  idea  came  into  my  head 
that  the  captain  had  found  out  that  I  had 
been  sent  there  as  a  spy  and  I  trembled  all 
over.  I  eyed  him  closely  while  he  called  the 
second  mate  and  gave  him  some  whispered 
instructions.  As  Tom  Lee  came  over  the 
side  the  cabin-steward  brought  a  pitcher  of 
rum  and  handed  him  a  drink.  The  captain 
called  Happy  Jack  up  out  of  the  canoe  to  get 


36 

some  and  when  both  were  drinking-,  the  sec- 
ond mate  and  four  or  five  of  the  crew  jumped 
upon  and  overpowered  them  at  a  signal  from 
the  captain.  Of  course,  they  were  quickly 
dragged  to  the  hatchway,  stripped  and  sent 
below,  while  the  captain  chuckled  and  said, 
"Now  we  are  only  one  short." 

I  was  even  more  anxious  than  before  to. 
get  off  the  ship  for  I  feared  that  Tom,  who 
spoke  good  English,  might  disclose  the  plot 
and  betray  me.  At  an  opportune  moment  I 
dropped  my  cap  down  the  hatchway  and 
crawled  down  the  ladder  ostensibly  to  get  it. 
The  boys,  realizing  their  situation,  looked 
very  unhappy  as  you  may  suppose,  and  the 
cursing  I  got  in  broken  English  and  Hot- 
tentot, almost  makes  my  hair  rise  now  in  re- 
membrance. The  second  mate  heard  the 
row  and  looking  down  asked  me  what  I  was 
doing  there.  I  told  him  my  cap  story,  and 
charging  me  not  to  "tease  the  niggers,''  he 
walked  away.  I  stayed  long  enough  to  learn 
the  whereabouts  of  the  Sumpter  from  Tom 
who  had  ceased  swearing,  and  to  assure  him 
that  I  would  get  the  news  to  them  and  they 
would  capture  the  ship  and  rescue  him.  He 
felt  better  and  urged  me  to  go  at  once. 
"Suppose  no  can  hail  ship,  make 'fire  on 
beach,  quarter-master  see  'em,  send  boat 
quick." 

I  promised  to  obey  instructions,  and  going 
on  deck,  lounged  around,  watching  my  chance 
to  make  the  land.  Finally  one  of  the  sailors, 
declaring  that  he  was  going  to  have  a  good 


31 

fill  of  bananas  before  leaving  the  coast, 
swung-  into  a  tree-top  and  in  that  way  reached 
the  shore.  Two  or  three  others  followed 
and  J  went  with  the  crowd.  As  soon  as  we 
touched  land  I  strayed  from  the  party  and 
started  down  the  river  on  a  run.  Of  course 
this  rate  of  speed  could  not  be  maintained, 
for  I  had  before  me  a  trudge  of  several 
hours'  duration.  While  the  scenery  was 
grand  and  the  chattering  of  the  monkeys 
and  chippering  of  birds  was  interesting,  it 
was  far  from  being  a  pleasure  trip.  Not 
fresh  at  the  beginning,  I  was  very  tired  after 
a  few  miles,  and  as  night  approached  I  im- 
agined all  sorts  of  dangers  lay  before  me. 
The  forest  was  full,  I  felt  sure,  of  fierce  ani- 
mals, all  licking  their  chops  for  me  and  all 
knowing  exactly  where  to  find  me.  The 
river  too,  would  be  difficult  to  follow  in  dark- 
ness. This  was  my  only  guide  out  into  civil- 
ization. Once  lost  in  an  African  jungle, 
farewell  to  prize  moneys,  promotions  and  all 
other  things  earthly.  I  fell  to  speculating 
upon  the  cheerful  subjeet  of  which  would  be 
the  worst  death, — by  fever  or  famine,  wild 
beast  or  wild  man;  but  like  many,  perhaps 
most  of  our  troubles,  none  of  these  things 
happened.  A  very  unexpected  thing  did, 
however,  even  as  I  had  about  decided  be- 
tween the  desirability  of  furnishing  the  feast 
for  a  lion  or  a  cannibal  :  I  stooped  to  drink, 
placing  one  knee  on  a  log,  as  I  thought.  It 
was  just  dusk.  My  support  began  to  wiggle 
and  I  beat  a  hasty  retreat.     With  feet  firmly 


2>^ 

on  land  I  stood  dazed  as  a  large  crocodile  let 
loose  his  moorings  and  floated  off  into  deep 
water.  Just  before  it  became  dangerously- 
dark,  I  rejoiced  to  see  the  top  of  a  marble 
monument  which  stands  on  the  south  side  of 
the  mouth  of  the  river,  having  been  erected 
there  by  the  English  government  in  honor  of 
some  naval  officer  who  was  buried  there.  I 
do  not  recall  the  name  but  it  was  one  of  the 
many  of  England's  great  dead. 

From  this  point  1  turned  to  the  south 
and  walked  along  the  beach,  hoping  every 
minute  to  catch  sight  of  the  Sumpter,  but 
it  was  getting  darker  every  moment  and  I 
saw  that  it  would  be  useless  to  proceed 
further,  so  I  began  to  look  about  for  dry 
wood  to  make  a  signal-fire.  Presently  I 
saw  the  outline  of  a  boat  and  my  first 
thought  was  that  it  had  been  sent  from  the 
Sultana  in  pursuit  of  me,  so  I  hid  and 
listened.  In  a  moment  I  recognized  the 
regular  fall  and  stroke  of  oars,  in  which 
the  crew  of  the  man-of-war  were  carefully 
drilled,  and  soon  after  discerned  the  bin- 
nacle light,  characteristic  of  their  boats. 

I  hailed  ''Boat  ahoy,''  at  the  top  of  my 
voice.     The  boat  stopped.     I  called  again. 

Soon  "Who  is  there?"  rang  outun  the 
midshipman's  familiar  voice,  and  I  ven- 
tured to  give  m}^  name.  When  the  boat 
had  pulled  through  the  surf  and  he  had 
leaped  ashore,  he  swung  the  lantern  in  my 
face  and  inquired,  ''Have  you  seen  the 
boys  wlio  went  up  the  river  this  morning  ?'' 


33 

*'  Yes,"  F  rc^^lied,  "  tliey  are  prisoners  on 
board  the  Sultana,  unless  they  are  res- 
cued." 

"Where  is  tlie  pirate,"  said  tlie  middy. 

"Aground,  fifteen  or  twenty  miles  up  the 
stream,"  I  leplied. 

"Jump  in,  quick,"  he  cried,  "let's  go  back 
and  repoi't." 

In  a  moment  we  were  headed  for  our 
ship  and  reached  her  after  a  pull  of  an 
hour  an  a  half. 

The  sailors  were  excited  when  I  told  my 
story,  and  of  course  they  saw  prize  money 
within  easy  i-each.  Upon  reaching  the 
ship  we  all  hasteneri  on  deck  and  the  mid- 
shipman repn]-ted.  I  Avas  questioned  and 
gave  a  brief  account  of  my  adventureSo 
finishimr  with  the  statement  that  I  was 
hungry.  The  captain  sent  me  to  his  cabin, 
somewhat  to  the  disappointment  of  the 
crew  who  wanted  to  hear  more.  He  had 
given  directions  to  the  cabin  steward  to 
serve  me  with  something  to  eat.  It  was 
then  about  midnight  and  I  had  taken 
nothing  sinco  breakfast.  This  was  the  first 
and  last  time  that  I  ever  ate  in  the  cabin 
of  a  man-of-war. 

While  eating  I  heard  the  boatswain's 
mate  piping,  followed  by  the  call: 

"Away,  armed  gig's  crew,  away."  An- 
other blast  and  the  call : 

"Away,  you  armed  first  cutters,  away." 

The  second  cutter's  crew  was  armed  and 
I  was  ordered  after  supper  to  arm  and  join 


34 

them.  We  soon  took  the  lead.  In  about 
an  hour  we  reached  the  mouth  of  the  river. 
The  officers  held  a  consultation.  The  tide 
was  ebbing  and  we  would  make  slow  pro- 
gress pulling  against  it.  The  second  cut- 
ter's crew,  it  was  finally  decided,  should 
walk  up  the  south  bank  and  I  was  to  ac- 
company them. 

We  had  gone  about  two  miles  when  the 
creaking  of  the  blocks  of  the  approaching 
Sultana  was  plainly  audible. 

Our  officers  sent  two  men  back  on  the 
run  to  give  the  alarm.  The  rest  of  us 
waited  until  the  slaver  hove  in  sight. 
Down  she  came  with  fore  and  main  top 
sails  set  and  ebb  tide  to  help.  We  found 
it  impossible  to  keep  abreast  in  the  race 
down  the  river,  and  when  we  reached  our 
boat  she  had  already  cleared  the  mouth 
and  appeared  to  be  some  distance  out. 

The  Sumpter  lay  stream  up  and  a  shot 
from  her  32-pound  howitzer  gave  the 
slaver  a  hint  to  heave  to.  The  crews  of 
the  other  boats  were  just  boarding  her  as 
we  shoved  of!',  but  we  were  all  anxious  to 
be  in  at  the  death  so  we  joined  them  with 
all  haste,  and  found  our  men  putting  the 
slaver's  crew  in  irons.  The  first  thing  I 
did  was  to  run  to  the  main  hatch  and  re- 
assure Tom  Lee  and  Happy  Jack.  A  mom- 
ent later  one  of  our  men  secured  the  key 
and  released  them.  They  were  overjoyed 
and  displayed  their  feelings  after  the  man- 
ner of  their  race.    They  danced,  they  sung, 


35 

they  shouted  and  shook  hands  with  each 
other  and  our  crew  and  officers.  They 
lauded  ine  until  I  felt  as  brave  as  an 
admiral. 

The  Sultana  was  sent  to  Liberia  to  un- 
load her  cargo,  thence  to  Boston  where  she 
Avas  condemned  and  sold.  Out  of  the  pro- 
ceeds I  received  two  hundred  and  thirty- 
eii>'ht  dollars  prize  money  and  my  officers 
added  fifty  dollars  to  this.  Financially,  I 
should  have  done  much  better  to  have 
stayed  with  the  slaver,  but  I  have  always 
considei'ed  that  day's  work  well  worth  the 
doing. 

Tom  ^jee  and  Happy  Jack  received  a 
purse  between  them  almost  equal  to  mine. 
The  office I's  used  to  chaff  them  by  remind- 
ing them  that  we  should  all  have  received 
more  prize  money  if  they  had  turned  them 
in  witli  the  slaves. 

Nearly  thirty-five  years  have  elapsed  and 
I  suppose  that  most  of  the  Sumpter's  crew 
have  furled  their  jibs  and  anchored  on  the 
other  shore,  but  if  this  should  mec^t  the 
eye  of  any  one  of  thorn,  I  should  like  to 
hear  from  him. 


36 

^ow  (He  Pooled  tl]e  School niaster. 


School  had  been  in  probably  an  hour  and 
the  first  class  in. arithmetic  had  just  returned 
to  their  seats.  It  was  a  warm  morning  in 
June  and  the  heat  made  Mr.  Patridge  (the 
teacher)  peevish  and  cross;  while  all  the  pu- 
pils watched  the  slow  hands  of  the  clock, 
impatiently  waiting  for  half-past  ten,  at  which 
time  we  were  granted  half  an  hour  recess. 

Suddenly  the  boom  of  a  cannon  was  heard, 
and  every  pupil  was  on  nettles  and  anxious 
to  be  out  of  school.  For  while  to  you,  read- 
ers, the  firing  of  a  gun  would  have  no  special 
significance,  to  us  Long  Island  boys  it  told  a 
story  as  plain  as  if  printed,  that  there  was  a 
ship  ashore  on  great  South  Beach.  There 
was  always  great  excitement  when  there  was 
a  shipwTeck  on  the  beach.  There  was  always 
the  crew  who  had  long  stories  of  shipwreck 
and  disaster  to  relate.  There  was  the  excite- 
ment of  manning  and  launching  the  life  boat 
and  watching  the  men  do  their  noble  work; 
and  every  boy  in  school  would  have  under- 
gone any  amount  of  "lickin'  "  to  be  out  of 
school  and  on  his  way  to  the  beach. 

Eugene  Topping  made  the  first  attempt. 
He  was  suddenly  seized  with  a  jumping 
toothache  and  groaned  for  a  few  minutes  in 
agony  until  Mr.  Patridge  noticed  him  and  in- 
quired, ''What  is  the  matter,  Eugene.'^"  *'A 
jumping  toothache.  Sir,"  replied  "Gene"  be- 


37 

tween  sobs,  looking  the  teacher  square  in  the 
face;  while  every  boy  in  school  felt  envious  of 
him,  for  we  fully  expected  to  hear  Mr  Pat- 
ridge  say,  "Well,  you  had  better  run  away 
home  and  get  some  laudanum  in  it  and  lie 
down  until  it  gets  better."  But  he  did  no 
such  thing — he  simply  said,  '*Hum,  it's 
strange  how  quick  your  tooth  got  to  aching 
direcdy  after  that  ship  fired  that  distress  sig- 
nal. The  noise  of  the  gun  must  have  shaken 
the  nerves  of  your  tooth.  But  just  sit  still 
and  study  your  lesson  and  if  the  pain  doesn't 
stop  you  had  better  go  over  and  sit  along 
side  of  Kitty  Murdock  and  see  if  that  won't 
stop  it."  The  worst  punishment  you  could 
award  a  boy  in  our  school  was  to  make  him 
take  a  seat  on  the  girls'  side,  or  vice  versa, 
for  sometimes  the  girls  had  to  take  a  seat  on 
the  boys'  side  as  pimishment. 

Strange  to  say  ''Gene's"  toothache  soon 
stopped.  Mr.  Patridge  was  a  humane  man 
and  on  no  account  would  he  have  forced  a 
scholar  really  suffering  with  pain  or  in  any 
manner  sick  to  remain  in  school.  But  he 
was  well  aware  that  every  boy  and  girl  in  the 
room  was  just  aching  to  get  away  from  school 
to  make  a  straight  run  to  the  beach  and  for 
that  reason  he  took  no  stock  in  "Gene's" 
toothache. 

Mr.  Patridge  was  a  tall,  spare  man  and  a 
good  teacher.  He  had  but  one  idiosyncracy. 
He  had  resided  for  a  number  of  years  in 
Canada  and  had  acquired  a  smattering  of  the 
French   language  and   would   always  "wring 


3^ 

In"  a  few  F'rench  words  when  conversing 
with  any  person.  He  was  a  great  friend  of 
my  father's,  pardy  because  he  could  speak 
French  (which  he  had  learned  when  a  young 
man  living  in  Quebec),  and  also  because  he- 
was  a  school  trustee.  The  teacher  visited 
our  house  quite  frequently,  always  addressing 
father  and  mother  as  Monsieur  and  Madame 
Boyd,  while  he  generally  patted  your  humble 
servant  on  the  head,  assuring  the  bystanders 
that  I  was  a  ''jolt  garcon.y  But  he  was  a 
good  teacher,  as  I  have  just  said,  despite  the 
fact  that  his  favor  could  always  be  won  by 
asking  him  the  meaning  of  some  French 
phrase. 

At  length  the  slow  hands  of  the  clock  ar- 
rived at  10:30  and  the  recess  bell  rang.  Out 
we  scampered,  but  not  to  play  ball  or  any 
other  game  today.  We  had  seen  too  many 
people  hurrying  toward  the  bay  to  launch 
their  skiffs  for  the  beach.  We  knew  that  our 
fathers  and  elder  brothers  were  on  the  way 
to  the  beach  and  several  passers-by  had,  in 
answer  to  our  inquiries,  said  that  a  large  full- 
rigged  ship  was  ashore  right  off  the  life  sav- 
ing station.  Excitement  ran  high.  We  all 
wanted  to  go.  But  how  .-^  We  all  knew 
what  was  in  store  for  us  both  at  home  and  at 
school  and  none  cared  to  run  the  risk. 
George  Howell  proposed  that  we  should  all 
run  away  in  a  body,  as  Mr.  Patridge  would 
not  think  of  "lickin'  "  the  whole  school.  But 
nobody  seconded  the  motion  and  it  was  de- 
clared  out  of  order.     While  one   made   one 


39 

suggestion  and  proposed  something  else,  a 
chance  remark  made  by  Sam  Baldwin  put  an 
idea  in  my  head. 

Sammy  had  stood  listening  while  the 
others  talked  and  finally  said,  ''Let's  tell  old 
'Pat,'  "  as  we  had  nicknamed  the  teacher, 
''that  there  are  some  Frenchmen  on  the 
wreck,  and  that  they  want  him  as  interpreter. 
He'll  jump  at  the  chance  to  show  off  his 
' Parley -vous  Francaisf  "  A  bright  thought. 
This  idea  took  at  once  and  Enoch  Miller, 
Charley  Ketchum  and  myself  very  quickly 
formed  a  plan  which  was  to  counterfeit  ti  let- 
ter from  my  father,  saying  that  the  ship  was 
full  of  French  passengers  who  could  speak 
no  English  and  requesting  him  to  proceed  at 
once  to  the  beach  and  act  as  interpreter.  As 
I  was  a  very  poor  writer,  (a  fact  that  my 
publishers  will  make  affidavit  to)  George 
Hopkins  was  selected  to  write  the  letter  from 
oiy  father,  I  supplying  a  few  French  phrases 
to  make  the  document  look  genuine.  Then 
Ed  Hallock  agreed  to  get  his  father's  col- 
ored boy,  who  was  chopping  wood  near  by, 
to  deliver  the  letter  to  the  school  teacher. 
George  Hopkins  ran  into  the  school  room 
and  got  a  sheet  of  letter  paper  and  pen  and 
ink  which  he  ^carried  into  the  wood-shed. 
And  then  using  a  book  for  a  desk,  we  pro- 
ceeded to  compose  the  letter,  at  the  same 
time  sending  a  small  boy  after  an  envelope. 
We  had  finished  the  letter  and  addressed  it 
to  "Monsieur  Patridge,"  when  I  was  sur- 
prised   by    the    appearance    of  my    younger 


40 

brother  James,  who  said,  "Ma  sent  you  some 
lunch  and  this  letter  and  told  me  to  give  this 
other  letter  to  Mr.  Patridge."  I  opened  my 
note  which  read  as  follows: 

"Dear  John: — Your  father  and  I  are  going 
to  the  beach,  so  instead  of  coming  home  at 
noon,  please  find  enough  lunch  for  yourself 
and  Jimmy  in  the  basket.  Your  brother  has 
a  note  to  Mr.  Patridge  requesting  him  to 
permit  him  to  remain  with  you  until  school 
closes.  Mama." 

Probably  I  did  not  cry  ^'Eureka"  because  I 
had  never  heard  of  the  word  nor  knew  its 
meaning,  but  I  felt  that  way.  I  took  the 
note  that  was  intended  for  the  school  teacher 
from  Jimmy  and  substituting  the  one  written 
by  George  Hopkins,  we  sent  Jimmy  into  the 
school  room  with  the  forged  letter.  A  mo- 
ment later  the  school  bell  rang  and  we 
rushed  in,  some  of  the  boys  grumbling  and 
declaring  that  "  'twas  a  'plaguey'  short  half- 
hour."  After  we  were  all  seated  Mr.  Pat- 
ridge, his  breast  swelling  with  pride,  spoke 
as  follows: 

"  Boys  and  girls,  I  had  intended  to  keep 
school  as  usual  but  humanity  calls  on  me  to 
dismiss  the  school  and.  act  the  part  of  a 
Christian  and  obey  the  golden  rule,  "Do 
unto  others  as  you  would  have  them  do  unto 
you."  I  have  just  received  a  letter  from 
school  trustee  '"Boz"  informing  me  that  a 
load  of  French  immigrants  are  wrecked  on 
our  coast — unauble  to  spekk  a  word   of  our 


hmgu  ige,  aiid  ciliing  upon  me  to  act  the  part 
of  the  gooJ  Scim'iritan.  1  will  ivad  you 
what  Trustee  Boyd  says: 

'Monsieur  Patridge: 

Le  bate.aic  which  is  naufraoe 
on  the  beach  is  filled  with  passengers  Fran- 
cats  giu  ne  peuvent  pas  parle  r Anglais.  Cap- 
tain Rodgers — the  Hfe  boat  master — wants 
you  and  myself  to  'venez  tout  suite  and  inter- 
pret. 

Voire  humble  servant, 

John  T.  Boyd.' 

"School's  dismissed,"  said  he,  after  read- 
ing the  letter  and  out  we  poured,  most  oi  us 
going  to  the  beach,  myself  included,  al- 
though I  was  handicapped  with  Jimmy. 

The  boys  said  aftei'ward  that  it  was  as 
good  as  a  circus  to  see  Mr.  Patridge  after  he 
arrived  at  the  wreck.  He  first  offered  his 
services  to  Capt.  Rodgers  who  advised  him 
to  put  on  an  oilskin  suit  and  sea  boots  before 
he  would  be  any  use  there.  But  when  he 
learned  that  the  ship,  instead  of  carrying 
passengers;  was  loaded  with  lumber  and 
bound  from  Halifax  to  New  Orleans,  he 
sought  out  and  had  a  long  talk  with  my 
father.  I  heard  that  he  blamed  me  for  the 
whole  transaction.  But  at  any  rate  he  never 
patted  me  on  the  head  and  called  me  ''joli 
garcon'  after  the  day  we  had  a  holiday  to 
visit  the  wreck. 


SKETCHES  BY  BOVn 

KOT  BY  "  BOZ." 


THE  BERKELEY  PARK. 


Nothing  has  pleased  me  better  since  my 
grandmother  died  than  the  news  that  we 
were  to  have  a  park  around  Berkeley  station, 
but  on  reading  the  specifications  I  cannot 
help*  but  think  the  "Berberis  vulgaris  atro- 
purpurea''  should  have  been  omitted.  Noth- 
ing vulgar  should  be  allowed  in  so  public  a 
place.  Some  of  us  old  fellows  w^ould  have 
liked  to  have  seen  the  favorites  of  our  boy- 
hood, such  as  the  "Paralleoppidon  centiped," 
the  ''Tavator  Latre  Superioris  Alac  que  Nast 
Multiplex,"  and  a  few  others  of  the  kind,  but 
I  suppose  they  are  out  of  date  and  must  be 
classed  as  back  numbers  the  same  as  our- 
selves. I  see  that  they  only  propose  to  plant 
one  *'Rosa  Wichatura."  I  don't  know 
whether  this  Rosa  is  any  relation  to  a  darkey 
girl  I  met  at  Hilton  Head  during  the  war. 
She  was  a  mighty  fine  girl  and  I  heard  that 
her  master  valued  her  at  $1500.  And  then 
there  is  only  one  ''Rhodotyphus  kerviodes." 
Now  don't  be  small,  Mr.  Gardener,  but  give 
us  a  few  more  Rhodies.     And  then,  I  don't 


44 

see  any  mention  of  those  beautiful  "Radish- 
merdergang  Optiolaves,"  and  I  know  that  if 
my  friend  the  King  of  Siam  visits  me,  as  he 
is  Hkely  to  do,  he  will  think  we  are  behind 
the  age  not  to  have  this  beautiful  plant. 

Again,  only  one  "Taxas  Baccata  Pyramid- 
alis."  Why,  they  should  have  a  dozen. 
They  are  beautiful  with  watermelon  vines 
growing  over  them.  And  no  ''Gloradinus 
Appeleyrafigoem;"  what  can  the  man  be 
thinking  of.'^  He  also  omits  to  state  how 
many  ''Esqualias  Upicardigums"  will  be  set 
out  and  how  many  "Quartelaman  Kesalte- 
nangoes"  will  line  the  driveway.  With  these 
changes  and  your  humble  servant  appointed 
superintendent  at  a  good  salary,  I  think  we 
may  claim  to  be  on  a  par  with  the  parki  of 
London,  Paris  or  Temescal. 


DESCRIPTION  OF  THE  PARK. 


No  resident  of  Berkeley  can  pass  the 
postoffice  without  his  heart  swelling  with 
pride  and  joy  at  the  splendid  appearance  of 
our  new  park.  While  hardly  as  large  as  the 
celebrated  Hyde  Park  of  Lond^on,  or  Central 
Park  of  New  York,  still  it  is  a  beauty  spot 
that  Berkeleyans  can  point  to  with  a  feeling 
of  satisfaction.  To  non-residents  a  few 
words  of  description  may  be  interesting. 

The  park,  according  to  the  Town  Engi- 
neer's measurement,  contains  74  19-100  acres. 


45 

The  south  end  is  mostly  given  to  the  fragrant 
Etheopian  Doxannina  tree,  while  the  central, 
or  citrus  belt,  of  the  park  is  given  over  to 
the  beautiful  Sacarapa  Hundgi,  together 
with  the  splendid  Acurapa  Songoenetta.  'J  he 
northern  part  is  one  mass  of  the  hardy 
Duennapa  Seros  of  Alaska. 

Some  fear  is  expressed  that  children  may 
be  lost  in  the  mazes  and  wooded  portions  of 
the  park,  and  parents  and  guardians  cannot 
be  too  careful  in  allowing  young  children  to 
wander  out  of  sight  and  hearing  We  un- 
derstand that  it  is  the  intention  of  the  Town 
Trustees  to  pass  strict  l«ws  against  parties 
hunting  or  discharging  fire-arms  inside  the 
park  limits,  and  also  one  forbidding  parties 
picking  flowers  or  holding  picnics  there.  An 
effort  is  also  being  made  to  have  the  cele- 
brated Wang-ho  band  of  Hong  Kong  dis- 
course sweet  Chinese  airs  every  pleasant  af- 
ternoon. It  was  the  intention  of  the  pro- 
jectors to  place  a  fountain  near  the  center  of 
the  park,  but  the  enormous  cost  of  water 
precluded  any  such  extravagent  idea,  and 
the  matter  was  dropped. 

We  are  informed  that  the  Town  Board 
will  at  once  appoint  a  head  gardener  at  $150 
per  month  salary,  and  two  assistant  garden- 
ers at  $100  per  month.  These  officials  will 
also  appoint  special  policemen  and  will  be 
authorized  to  arrest  any  and  all  parties 
kindling  fires,  snaring  birds  or  playing  old 
sledge  within  the  park  limits. 


46 
DISCOVERY  OF  GOLD. 


So  many  conflicting  reports  have  been 
published  by  the  San  Francisco  and  Berke- 
ley papers  in  regard  to  the  part  I  took  in 
the  discovery  of  gold  at  Sutter's  mill  in  '48 
that  I  beg  the  liberty  of  making  a  plain 
statement  of  facts  in  regard  to  the  wonder- 
ful discovery. 

On  the  afternoon  of  January  24,  1848, 
Captain  Sutter,  Mr.  Marshall  and  myself, 
after  a  lunch  on  baked  beans  and  slapjacks, 
lit  our  pipes  and  sat  discussing  the  last  bi- 
cycle race  and  the  Durrant  case.  At  last 
we  started  for  work.  Marshall  was  eager  to 
finish  the  dam  that  afternoon,  while  Captain 
Sutter,  who  had  invested  in  a  chuck-a-luck 
board,  w^anted  us  to  bet  on  the  game.  Mar- 
shall, who  had  lost  a  half-month's  wages 
the  night  before,  refused  to  play  and  again 
spoke  of  going  to  work  on  the  mill-dam. 
It  was  at  this  juncture  that  the  captain  ut- 
tered the  famous  words  still  preserved  in 
California  history:  With  his  left  arm  ex- 
tended, he  uttered  the  well-known  words, 
'dam  the  dam''  and  still  urged  us  to  play, 
offering  to  advance  a  month's  ^  wages, — 
stating  that  luck  must  change  and  that  he 
had  no  hopes  of  winning  all  the  time.  But 
Marshall  would  not  consent  and  we  shoul- 
dered our  shovels  and  went  to  work. 

As  Marshall  was  shoveling  some  dirt  out 
of  the  race  way,  he  suddenly  stooped  dowu 


47 

and  picked  up  a  bright  yellow  lump  about 
as  big  as  a  walnut  and  exclaimed,  "by  gum, 
I  have  found  a  chunk  of  gold." 

Just  then  Captain  Sutter  came  down  and 
Marshall  said,  ''See  what  I  found."  The 
captain  looked  at  it  a  minute  and  said, 
''That's  mine."  Marshall  said,  "No,  sir-ee. 
It  came  out  of  my  mine." 

But  the  captain  swore  that  he  had  lost  it 
through  a  hole  in  his  pants'  pocket  and  that 
it  had  been  given  him  by  his  poor  dead 
uncle  who  had  brought  it  down  from  the 
Klondyke.  He  seemed  to  feel  so  bad  at  the 
loss  of  his  uncle,  whom  he  explained  had 
returned  to  Dawson,  and  had  died  from  sun- 
stroke while  crossing  Chilkoot  pass,  that 
Marshall  gave  him  the  gold  and  the  Cap- 
tain went  home  after  treating  us  to  a  chew 
of  tobacco  as  a  reward  for  our  honesty. 

We  dug  up  about  $5000  apiece  in  the 
next  few  days,  but  did  not  say  anything  to 
the  captain  for  fear  that  his  poor  dead  uncle 
might  have  had  a  hole  in  his  pants'  'pocket 
too.  We  mined  until  the  news  spread  all 
over  the  civilized  world  when  finding  it  no 
longer  profitable  I  decided  to  emigrate  to 
Berkeley  and  run  for  poundmaster. 


PARK  IN  DANGER. 


The  question  has  often  been  asked,  in 
case  the  Spanish  fleet  attacked  this  coast, 
how  would  Berkeley  fare?     And  in  case  of 


48 

invasion  by  Spanish  troops,  would  tlie^^ 
spare  our  beautiful  park  at  Berkeley  Sta- 
tion? Or  would  they  carry  it  off  as  a  very  rich 
prize?  Knowing  the  Spanish  nation  w^ell 
and  their  love  for  the  picturesque  and 
beautiful,  I  tremble  for  our  fine  park. 
Should  the  wSpanish  troops  advance  and 
seize  our  beautiful  town  what  more  tempt- 
ing prize  would  attract  their  attention 
than  our  splendid  looking  park,  with  its 
glorious  growth  of  weeds  and  old  oyster 
cans  and  the  fragrant  orange  peels?  No, 
fellow-citizens,  some  steps  must  be  taken  to 
protect  the  pride  of  our  town!  Either  have 
a  heavy  insurance  at  war  risks  put  upon  it 
at  once,  or  else  let  the  whole  park  be  placed 
on  wheels  or  trucks,  ready  to  be  hauled  over 
the  hills  on  the  first  sign  of  invasion.  The 
attention  of  the  United  States  Government 
should  also  be  called  as  to  the  desirability  ot 
erecting  a  few  batteries  along  Strawberry 
Creek  to  prevent  the  light  draft  Spanish 
gunboats  from  ascending  and  capturing  the 
Harmon  Gym  and  Captain  Kellner's  tobacco 
plants.  It  might  also  be  well  to  call  the  at- 
tention of  the  Town  Trustees  to  the  fact 
that  the  Public  Pound,  located  as  it  is  down 
on  the  bay  shore,  is  not  safe  from^capture. 
And  they  should  also  take  steps  to  effect  an 
insurance  on  the  Poundmaster's  life.  I  would 
also  suggest  that  Officer  Coey  should  be  or^ 
dered  to  mount  guard  over  the  Town  Hall 
night  and  day.  With  these  precautions 
taken  I  think  we  are  safe. 


49 
ADVICE  TO  A  U.  C.  PROFESSOR 


When  I  see  a  man  digging  a  pit  in  which 
he  is  liable  to  fall. into  head  first,  I  think  it 
my  duty  to  warn  him;  to  say,  "Hold  on,  my 
friend;  be  careful;  look  before  you  leap."  I 
am  led  to  make  these  remaks  on  account  of 
the  following  item  which  I  find  in  a  San 
Francisco  paper:  "At  the  meeting  of  the 
association  at  3:45  o'clock  Professor  John 
Fryer  will  deliver  an  address  on  'Two  Thou- 
sand Years  of  Mission.  Work  in  China.'  " 

Now  Professor  Fryer  is  a  stranger  in 
Berkeley,  and  when  he  goes  to  lecture  on 
his  "Two  Thousand  Years  of  Mission  Work 
in  China,''  someone  in  the  audience  will  call  a 
halt  and  shout  out  unkind  remarks.  Now 
Professor,  take  my  advire  and  cut  that  down 
to  two  hundred  years.  You  will  have  just  as 
big  a  crowd,  take  just  as  much  money  in  at 
the  door  and  people  will  shake  hands  with 
you  at  the  conclusion  of  the  lecture  without 
winking  and  saying,  "Sufferin'  Moses,  you'r 
the  boss  for  spinning  a  big  yarn.  You  de- 
serve the  doughnut,"  and  remarks  of  like 
nature. 

Professor,  I  talk  from  experience.  When 
I  first  came  to  beautiful  Berkeley  I  explained 
to  the  people  how  I  had  hauled  General 
Washington's  baggage  at  Valley  Forge  and 
to  Mount  Vernon.  So  far  so  good.  People 
looked  on  me  with  veneration  and  respect. 
But  I  was  not  satisfied.  Didn't  know  when 
to  stop.      Like  a  foolish  man,  I  laid  claim  to 


so 

the  fact  that  I  was  present  when  Columbus 
landed  at  San  Salvador  on  his  first  voyage. 
Well,  people  were  surprised  somewhat.  Said 
I  looked  young  for  so  old  a  man.  But  I 
had  no  trouble  spinning  yarns  about  the  old 
hero,  and  when  1  used  to  tell  about  Columbus 
and  myself  drinking  gin-slings  and  eating 
tamales  on  the  beach  at  San  Salvador,  no 
one  doubted  my  word 

Hut  like  a  confounded  fool,  I  wasn't  even 
yet  satisfied.  No,  like  an  idiot,  I  volunteered 
to  give  a  lecture  on  "How  Noah  loaded  the 
animals  on  the  ark  with  my  assistance." 
And  like  a  darn  fool  I  told  too  much.  Peo- 
ple didn't  believe  me.  Said  I  wasn't  born 
when  Noah  built  the  ark,  and  that  I  never 
saw  mount  Ararat  and  didn't  believe  I  had 
ever  been  aboard  the  ark — didn't  believe  I 
had  ever  played  "seven-up"  with  Shem,  Ham 
or  Japhat.  In  fact  {-"rofessor  it  was  money 
out  of  my  pocket  because  I  stretched  the 
thing  too  far.  Take  warning  by  me  and  cut 
a  few  hundred  (say  five)  years  and  the  audi- 
ence will  swallow  your  yarn  about  "Mission 
Work  in  China"  and  you  will  be  glad  that 
you  have  taken  my  advice. 


BOYD  WANTS  AN    OFFICE. 

I  t;ee  by  the  papers  that  our  Town  Board 
has  appointed  the  Health  Officer  as  Milk 
Inspector  and  also  Inspector  of  Food.  This 
is  quite  right  and  meets  with  my   approba- 


51 

tion.  Still,  I  think  there  should  be  another 
inspector  appointed  to  test  the  pureness  of 
one  of  the  necessaries  of  life.  I  claim  that 
without  delay  there  should  be  an  inspector 
of  beer  appointed.  My  advice  to  the  Town 
officialsis  to  create  the  office  of  beer  in- 
spector at  once,  at  a  salary  of  not  less  than 
$ioo  per  month,  and  appoint  some  good 
man  to  the  office.  My  further  advice  is  to 
find  some  man,  say  some  old  resident,  who 
has  been  some  years  at  sea  and  has  drank 
''arf  an  arf,"  "Bass'  Pale"and  "Shandygaff' 
in  foreign  parts  so  that  he  may  be  a  com- 
petent judge  of  the  different  brands  of  ale 
and  porter. 

I  would  also  advise  the  Board  to  pick  out 
some  teamster  or  expressman,  who  is  well 
acquainted  with  our  streets,  lanes  and  alleys 
and  will  know  every  drinking  place  in  town. 
I  would  also  recommend  that  the  appointee 
be  a  tall,  handsome  man  of  distinguished 
appearance.  I  know  of  but  one  man  in 
town  who  has  all  these  requisities  and  would 
fill  the  bill,  but  modesty  forbids  my  mention- 
ing him;  but  the  first  lettors  of  his  name  are, 
John  E.  Boyd. 

BOYD    ON   ANNEXATION. 


I  was  greatly  surprised  late  last  evening 
to  receive  the  following  telegram  from  Wash- 
ington, D.  C: 

Hon.  John  E.  Boyd — Dear  Sir:  What  in 
thunder  are  you  opposing  the  annexation  of 


5^ 

the  Hawaiian  Islands  for?  Both  the  Cabi- 
net and  myself  are  dumfounded  at  your 
contrariness.  What  office  do  you  want? 
Answer.  McKinley. 

Well,  if  they  haven't  got  things  mixed  up 
in  Washington.  Because  I  objected  to 
welcoming  and  annexing  the  village  of  Oak- 
land to  the  city  of  Berkeley,  they  have  the 
idea  that  I  am  opposing  the  entrance  of  the 
Sandwich  Islands  into  our  majestic  Union. 

No,  no,  Mac!  Annex  the  islands  if  you 
want  to.  Annex  Queen  Lily  Clawhammer 
if  you  want  to,  only  don't  mention  my  name 
to  the  lady,  as  I  don't  want  to  lay  myself 
liable  for  a  breach  of  promise  suit.  Go 
ahead.  Annex  the  Islands,  annex  Cuba, 
annex  Greece  and  Turkey  if  you  want  to;  and, 
by  the  way,  you  might  (though  I  would  not 
advise  it)  annex  Oakland  to  the  United 
States,  as  she  is  just  dying  to  be  annexed  to 
somebody.  Let  me  know  of  any  new  moves, 
as  I  can  promise  you  the  moral  and  financial 
support  of  the  "Berkeley  World,"  our  new- 
born paper  just  kittened,  and  its  worthy 
editor. 


BOYD    IS  DISGUSTED. 


Well,  if  I  ain't  proud  that  I  am  an  Ameri- 
can, I'll  be  rammed,  jammed  and  squeezed. 
Of  all  the  honors  conferred  on  foreigners  in 
England,  Americans  seem  to  take  the  plat- 
ter. Read  yesterday's  dispatches  from  Lon- 
don which  say:      'Tn    addition,  Queen    Vic- 


S3 

toria  received  Mrs.  Reid  most  cordially,  and 
at  the  reception  in  the  ball  room  she  gave  the 
wife  of  the  United  States'  special  envoy  her 
hand  to   kiss." 

Holy  smoke!    Just  see  what  I  lost.    I  fully 
intended  to  get  the    Town    Trustees    to  ap- 
point me  special  envoy    from    Berkeley,  and 
then  wouldn't  the  people  from  our    fair   town 
have  felt  big,  when  they  would  probably  read 
in  the  accounts  of  the  jubilee:      "Great  hon- 
ors were  paid  to  the  Hon.  John  E.  Boyd,  and 
he  was  shown  every  courtesy,  and  H.  R.  H, 
the  Prince  of  Wales,  was    so   condescending 
as  to  allow  him  to  kiss  his  big  toe." 
'    What  a  proud  moment  it  will    be  to    the 
children  and  grand  children  of  Mrs.  Reid  to 
say:      ''My   grandma   attended  the  Queen's 
jubilee  in  '97  at  London,   and    Her    Majesty 
condescended  to  let  grandma  kiss  her    royal 
hand.     We  are,  of  course    sorry .  to    confess 
that  our  ancessors  fought  in  the  wicked    war 
of  the  Revolution    and   espoused    the    cause 
of  the    rebellious    colonists,    being   led   into 
such  wicked  ways  by  that  benighted    sinner, 
George  Washington.     Still,  the  (act  that  our 
sainted  grandma  kissed  the  royal  right  hand 
of  Her  Most  Gracious  Majesty  will  surely,  in 
a  great  degree,  minimize  our  ancestor's   sin." 
I  propose,  Mr.  Editor,  instead  of  having  a 
Fourth  of  July  celebration    in    Berkeley,  we 
have  a  Queen's  jubilee  whoop  up,  and  invite 
Mrs.  Reid  to  be  present,  and  let  us  gaze  on 
the  sweet  mouth^  that  has  kissed  the  hand  of 
royalty. 

"God  save  the  Queen." 


54 
BEWARE  OF  SPIES. 

It  has  always  been  a  puz;zle  to  me  why 
the  United  States  Government  allowed  the 
most  secret  moves  of  the  army  or  navy  to 
be  published  in  the  newspapers  of  the 
country  and  become  public  news,  so  that  any 
Spanish  spy  could  transmit  to  his  govern- 
ment and  enable  them  to  be  thoroughly 
posted  on  our  movements. 

That  there  are  spies  in  our  midst  is  with- 
out  question.  Scarcely  had  the  meeting  in 
American  hall  adjourned  last  night,  (as  I 
am  informed  by  a  friend  in  Madrid),  not 
thirty-five  minutes  after  adjournment — be-^ 
fore  a  messenger  from  the  telegraph  office 
dashed  into  the  queen's  private  apartments 
with  the  heart-rending  news  that  the  ''Roar- 
ing Rangers  of  Grizzly  Peak"  had  been 
organized  in  Berkeley  for  the  invasion  of 
fair  Cuba.  Her  Majesty,  who  was  eating  a 
hot  tamale,  exclaimed  "Mon  Dieu!"  which, 
being  interpreted,  means  "  Holy  Moses," 
while  Premier  Sagasta,  who  was  also  present,, 
exclaimed  in  choicest  Castilian,  ''Tare  an 
Ouns,  Milla  Murther!" 

Orders  were  sent  to  the  Spanish  Board  of 
Strategy  to  dispatch  spies  to  Berkeley  at 
once  and  endeavor  to  discover  who  was  likely 
to  be  chosen  captain  of  this  band  of  dare- 
devils, and  also  whether  or  not  it  would  be 
advisable  to  pass  a  mile-limit  law  in  Cuba 
in  case  of  invasion  by  these  ferocious  war- 
riors, so  as  to  force,  them  to   retreat  to  Tem- 


55 

escal  to  get  their  supplies  of  provisions. 

Now,  some  means  should  be  taken  by  the 
Government  to  keep  seci^et  such  important 
movements  as  were  arranged  last  night,  and 
while  I  have  no  wish  to  throw  suspicion  on 
any  one  I  was  surprised  to  see  ihat  a  well- 
known  expressman  who  acknowledges  that 
he  is  very  fond  of  ^'beefsteak  Spanish"  and 
also  smokes  strong  vSpanish  cigars — when 
some  one  else  pays  for  them — was  present. 


A  HORRIBLE  IDEA. 


I  see  that  the  editor  of  the  West  Berkeley 
daily  will  award  a  two-weeks'  outing  to  the 
teacher  getting  the  most  votes  from  the 
children,  and  a  ladies'  hat  to  the  next  most 
popular.  Now  the  two-weeks'  outing  with 
board  paid  is  all  right,  but  when  it  comes  to 
a  hat  from  the  millinery  store  for  the  next 
most  popular  teacher,  and  as  votes  show 
that  Prof.  Waterman  is  likely  to  win,  I 
protest. 

It  looks  to  me  as  if  it  were  a  put-up  job 
to  hurt  the  School  Bonds.  Just  fancy  Prof. 
Waterman  coming  into  school  with  a  ladies' 
hat  wreathed  with  flowers  on  the  starboard 
bow  and  a  long  pennant  of  ribbon  hanging 
over  the  quarter  deck.  Just  consider  how 
much  valuable  time  he  would  lose  stopping 
to  ask  the  scholars  'Is  my  hat  on  straight?" 
Fancy  the  boys  marching  into  school  sing- 
ing, ''Where  did  you   get  that  hat?"     Im- 


56 

agine  tlie  professor  meeting  a  lady  friend  in 
the  street  and  making  a  bow.  How  awk- 
ward! First  he  has  got  to  remove  his  hat 
pin;  then  he  is  likely  to  muss  the  ribbons 
all  np  (men  are  so  clumsy  you  know.)  Or 
suppose  that  paper  in  its  generosity  should 
award  a  third  hat,  and  that  Professor  War- 
nick  should  win  the  extra  hat.  Is  there  no 
fear  that  the  two  might  meet  at  the  Town 
Hall  during  the  session  of  the  School  Board? 
and  instead  of  talking  school  matters  should 
commence  argument  regarding  the  latest 
style  of  hats,  and  wind  up  b}^  Prof.  Warnick 
shouting  out  right  before  the  School  Board, 
"Oh!  you  mean  thing,  I'll  tell  my  wife  just 
what  you  said  about  my  hat  being  last  year's 
style,  and  that  you  said  the  ribbons  were 
dyed;  so  there,  you  mean,  jealous  old  thing. 
Thank  goodness  I  don't  have  to  wear  a  veil 
to  hide  my  bald  head  like  some  persons." 
Why  the  thought  is  terrifying,  Mr.  Editor, 
and  should  be  brought  to  the  attention  of 
the  Committee  on  Public  Morals. 


A  DRY  TIME. 


And  it  came  to  pass  in  these  days  that 
the  men  who  were  carriers  of  goods  did 
murmur  and  say  one  to  another:  "What 
manner  of  rulers  have  we  that  they  will  not 
place  a  watering  trough  in  our  city  where 
our  beasts  of  burden  may  slack  their  thirst." 
And  there  arose  a  certain  man  whose  name 


57 

was  Boyd,  surnamed  John,  and  did  say  unto 
the  multitude:  ''Have  ye  no  sand?  fear 
not  to  demand  that  our  rulers  do  place  a 
watering  trough  near  the  station  called 
Berkeley, that  our  old  crowbaits  may  refresh 
themselves  with  the  water  from  the  foot- 
hills, for  verily  I  say  unto  you,  though  our 
rulers  and  wise  men  have  proclaimed  that 
we  shall  have  no  five-cent  beer  joints  in  the 
sacred  soil  of  East  Berkeley,  let  us  hope 
that  their  hearts  may  be  moved  with  com- 
passion and  that  they  may  grant  our  wish." 
And  the  multitude  did  say  with  a  loud  voice, 
"Good  for  you;"  which  pleased  him  greatly 
and  he  did  speak  unto  them  saying:  ''Be- 
hold men  of  Berkeley,  I  will  hie  myself  to 
the  Chief  Counselor,  (for  lo  and  behold  he 
had  much  silver  and  gold,  and  was  a  hard- 
money  man)  and  will  say  unto  him,  I  pray 
thee  give  us  water  for  our  beasts  of  burden 
lest  they  perish  by  the  wayside." 

But  lo!  and  behold,  when  he  did  appear 
before  the  wise  men  of  Berkeley  and  stated 
the  wishes  of  the  multitude,  the  wise  men 
smote  their  bosoms  and  did  exclaim,  "Holy 
Moses!  thou  fool,  dost  thou  not  know  that 
the  Town  Counselors  have  paid  unto  the 
tribes  known  as  the  Alameda  Water  Co. 
and  the  Contra  Costa  Water  Co.,  sums  of 
coin;  and  we  are  afraid  that  the  tax-payers 
will  arise  in  their  might  and  say,  "Begone 
you  useless  servants,  you  have  wasted  our 
sheckels  of  gold  and  sheckels  of  silver,  and 
your  name  is  mud." 


5S 

But  the  messenger  again  did  say  in  a 
loud  voice,  "Oh,  wise  men  of  Berkeley  give 
VIS  a  watering  trough  lest  our  beasts  perish 
with  thirst."  But  the  Chief  Ruler  said, 
^'vSilence,  thou  fool,  dost  thou  not  know  that 
there  is  withdrawn  from  the  treasury  nearly 
one  thousand  dollars  each  and  every  month 
to  pay  the  officers  of  our  city,  and  now  the 
wise  men  have  also  decided  to  put  the 
Poundmaster  on  the  salary  list?  How  then 
think  you  that  we  can  have  our  minds  dis- 
turbed by  your  silly  talk  about  a  watering 
trough — go  to,  and  water  your  beasts  when 
it  rains." 

And  the  messenger  did  hie  himself  down 
to  the  saloons  at  the  West  End  and  got 
^'high"  and  did  cry  out  in  a  loud  voice, 
"Thousands  for  salaries,  but  not  one  piece 
of  silver  for  watering  troughs." 


BOYD  ACTS    AS  JUROR. 

I  had  the  honor  of  receiving  a  very  good 
appointment  on  Saturday  morning  last.  I 
was  selected  for  the  high  honor  of  sitting 
on  a  cow  case  as  a  juror.  My  family  did 
not  seem  to  appreciate  my  exalted  "position 
when  I  announced  my  appointment.  But 
never  mind,  I  was  there,  determined  to  do 
my  duty  if  every  cow  in  the  country  was 
arrested  There  was  a  dozen  or  twenty 
other  citizens  summoned  as  jurors,  but  alas, 
some  got  the  G,  B,     I,  however,  was  lucky 


59 

enough  to  be  retained  as  one  of  the  jurors, 
Mr.  Graber  (lawyer  for  the  defense,)  de» 
sired  to  know  if  I  knew  the  difference  be- 
tween a  cow  and  an  elephant,  while  Mr, 
Hayne  (lawyer  for  the  prosecution,)  asked 
me  how  old  ray  grandmother  was  when  she 
had  the  mumps,  and  whether  she  ever 
worked  in  a  condensed  milk  factory;  and 
my  answers  being  satisfactory,  I  was  allowed 
to  remain,  and  the  case  proceeded. 

Mr. -Hayne  read  the  law  in  the  case  made 
and  provided,  which  says  that  no  person  or 
corporation  shall  keep  more  than  two  cows 
to  each  acre  of  land  they  possess  or  control. 
Now,  iVlr.  Scrugenhamer  (the  defendant), 
proved  that  he  had  the  necessary  amount 
of  land,  but  as  he  had  neglected  to  have  the 
animals  shingled,  and  as  they  had  lost  their 
umbrellas  while  out  in  the  afternoon,  he 
was  forced  to  put  the  four  animals  in  a 
small  stable  over  night,  and  as  the  said  sta- 
ble did  not  cover  two  acres  of  ground,  he 
had  been  arrested  by  the  whole  of  the  de- 
tective force  of  East  Berkeley  (his  name  is 
Sam  Coey),  and  was  brought  to  the  bar  of 
justice.  His  lawyer  proved  that  the  ani- 
mals had  been  on  the  required  two  acres 
all  day,  and  pleaded  that  as  it  was  a  cold 
night  he  had  put  the  cows  in  the  stable,  (said 
stable  not  covering  two  acres  of  groiind)  for 
humanity's  sake  (and  the  brute  left  the 
pump  out  doors  to  freeze).  Well,  the  case 
was  submitted  to  the  jury,  (there  were  seven 
on  the  panel),  and  six  bigger  ignoramuses  I 


6o 


never  wavS  associated  with,  for  on  tlie  first 
ballot  tlie  whole  six  voted  "not  gnilty."  As 
I  could  not  prevail  on  them  to  view  the  case 
as  I  did,  and  as  I  expected  some  trunks  on 
the  noon  train  I  changed  my  vote  to  "not 
guilty,"  and  the  fiendish  monster  was  dis- 
charged— and  I  caught  the  trunks. 


A  U.  C.  BOY  OF  '78. 

I  had  the  honor  of  handHng  the  luggage 
of  my  old  friend  Charley  B.  last  evening 
when  he  took  the  overland  train  for  South 
Africa,  via.  London.  I  see  by  the  Gazette 
that  he  gave  a  lecture  or  two  at  the  Univer- 
sity of  California  a  few  days  ago.  How  time 
changes  men  and  things.  When  I  first  knew 
Charley  B.  he  was  a  student,  living  in  a  Stu- 
dents' Club  in  No.  4  Cottage,  University 
Grounds.  He  was  a  gay  boy  then  and  full 
of — well,  I  won't  say  what,  because  when  he 
went  away  he  said  he  would  be  back  in  a 
year,  and  I  want  to  catch  those  trunks  again. 
But  I  wonder  whether  he  mentioned  in  his 
lecture  how  he  and  his  clubmates  corraled 
Professor  — 's  muley  cow  and  fenced  her  in 
with  a  load  of  baled  hay  on  the  back  steps  of 
the  South  Hall?  Did  he  explain  the  myste- 
rious disappearance  of  the  bell  that  twenty 
years  ago  used  to  hang  in  a  small  tower  in 
the  rear  of  the  old  Berkeley  Farm  house 
(now   the  Colonial    House?)      Does  he    re- 


6i 


member  the  time  that  he  and  a  fellow  stu- 
dent, named  Booth,  gave  me  an  order  to  buy 
the  biggest  squash  I  could  find  in  San  Fran- 
cisco and  had  me  place  it   on   Professor 's 

desk,  labeled  *'Two  o(  a  kind." 

How  about  the  morning,  Charley,  that  you 
and  Thorne  found  the  body  of  a  man  in  the 
water  of  Strawberry  creek,  and  how  after 
collecting  a  crowd  of  professors,  students  and 
janitors,  how  gravely  Thorne  asserted  that 
there  was  a  heavy  penalty  for  touching  a 
dead  body  until  the  coroner  came,  and  when 
at  last  the  coroner  came  and  when  the  body 
was  drawn  up  and  the  discovery  made  that 
it  was  only  an  old  suit  of  clothes  with  a 
mask  on  and  stuffed  with  straw,  how  iimo- 
cent  you  looked  Charley,  and  when  the  cor- 
oner declared  that  he  had  come  all  the  way 
from  Oakland  on  a  fool's  errand  how  you 
sympathized  with  him  and  declared  it  a 
shame.  I  won't  say  a  word  about  the  order 
you  put  in  my  box  to  bring  you  a  dozen 
second-hand  post  holes  from  San  Francisco, 
or  about  the  time  some  person  (name  un- 
known,) painted  your  class  number  on  my 
old  bay  horse.  Ah!  those  were  happy  days 
Charley,  and  I  hope  all  your  days  may  be  as 
pleasant.  I  sincerely  hope  you  will  have  a 
prosperous  journey  to  Africa,  and  that  when 
you  return  in  a  year  hence  you  will  bring 
back  one  or  two  million  dollars  and  a  wagon 
load  of  trunks  and  that  you  will  not  forget 
your  old  friend. 


62 
BOYD  VISITS  NEVADA  CITY. 


The  undersigned  returned  home  Friday, 
from  the  Grand  Army  Encampment,  after 
an  absence  of  five  days;  and  in  what  con- 
dition did  I  find  things?  Shattuck  avenue 
all  torn  up;  weeds  growing  in  our  beautiful 
park;  a  prominent  business  man  ran  away 
and  left  his  wife,  and  all  wrong  generally. 

The  Encampment  was  a  great  success 
and  no  people  could  have  done  more  to 
make  their  visitors  happy  and  welcome  than 
those  of  Nevada  City.  Of  course  there  were 
grumblers.  One  Oakland  comrade  growled 
because  the  air  was  too  clear.  Nevada  City 
is  a  typical  mining  camp.  The  monthly 
pay-roll  is  about  $80,000  and  as  there  is  no 
other  town  near,  the  money  is  all  spent 
there. 

We  visited  the  mines  and  on  the  way  out 
I  made  up  my  mind  to  dig  up  a  bucket  full 
of  gold  and  send  it  home;  but  when  I 
thought  of  what  the  freight  bill  would  be,  I 
gave  up  the  idea  and  contented  myself  with 
getting  some  samples  of  petrified  wood  for 
self  and  friends.  This  petrification  is  found 
150  and  200  feet  below  the  surface  and  is 
supposed  to  have  lain  there  for  untold  ages. 

The  manager  of  the  Monarch  mine  showed 
us  gold  bricks  worth  from  $3  to  $15,000.  He 
made  no  objection  to  our  handling  them, 
but  when  I  politely  requested  the  gentleman 
to  let  me  take  one  home  for  a  week  to  show 


63 

tile  children,  he  demurred,  and  when  I 
urged  the  matter  he  said: 

''Not  much,  Mary  Ann;  we  know  you. 
You  are  the  man  who  robbed  the  train  at 

B Station  some  years  ago.     You  were 

mixed  up  with  the  Dr.  Brown  and  Mattie 
Overman  case,  and  you  lately  attempred  to 
elope  with  Mrs.  Winslow's  Soothing  Syrup. 
You  had  better  get  home." 

I  should  have  remained  another  day  had 
not  the  war  news  alarmed  me.  I  felt  that 
President  McKinley  needed  a  trustworth}^ 
person  in  whom  he  could  place  implicit  con- 
fidence; so  I  left. 

The  landlord  where  I  stopped  missed 
several  pieces  of  silverware  and  some  spoons 
the  morning  I  left  and  I  have  not  heard 
whether  he  recovered  them,  but  I  think  not. 

The  journey  home  was  pleasant  and  the 
only  trouble  I  had  was  in  the  extortion  of 
the  railroad  company  in  charging  over- 
weight on  my  valise;  they  said  it  was  twice 
as  heavy  on  my  return  as  when  I  started. 


EAVESDROPPER  AT  A  MEETING 


Hearing  the  other  day  that  the  young  la- 
dies of  the  Berkeley  High  school  would  hold 
a  war  meeting  after  school  adjourned,  and 
knowing  that  people  would  be  interested  in 
reading  a  report  of  the  proceedings,  I  made 
bold  to  glue  my  ear  to  the  keyhole  nnd  so 
am  enabled  to  present  a  full  report  thereof 


64 

Miss who   was    elected    chairman    by 

acclamation  at  once  stated  the  object  of  the 
meeting,  which  was  to  approve  of  the  action 
of  the  President  and  Congress  in  regard  to 
the  present  crisis,  and  in  case  of  a  war  with 
Spain  if  the  ladies  thought  best,  they  would 
organize  themselves  into  a  regiment  for  the 
invasion  of  Cuba. 

Miss -,    begged  to   ask    whether     the 

Cubans  were  good  looking. 

The  chairman  warned  the  ladies  present 
that  as  loyal  citizens  of  the  United  States  it 
was  their  duty  to  strike  fierce  blows  at  the 
enemy  in  battle,  regardless  of  youth  or 
beauty. 

Miss 1  w^ould  like  to  ask  the  chair- 
man whether  it  would  not  be  a  good  idea  to 
kill  all  the  old  ones  and  take  the  young  and 
good  looking  ones  prisoners  of  war. 

.Miss wished  to    ask    whether    it  was 

true  that  the  young  Cubans  always  carried 
a  guitar  and  sang  love  songs. 

The  chairman  could  not  answer  the 
question. 

Miss made  a  motion  that  they  proceed 

to  organize  a  regiment  to  be  officered  by  one 
colonel,  one  major,  ten  captains,  twenty  first 
and  second  lieutenants,  and  that  thfe  colonel 
be  authorized  to  appoint  the  non-com- 
missioned officers. 

Miss inquired    whether     they    might 

not  expect  to  wear  bloo — 

Cries   of  'Order!"     "Order!"     "Shame!" 

Miss inquired  where  Cuba   was   situ- 


65 

ated  and  what  were  its  natural    advantages. 

Chairman  (reading  from  geography) — 
Cuba  is  a  large  island  belonging  to  the 
Spanish  crown,  situated  in  the  gulf  of 
Mexico.  Its  principal  productions  are 
sugar-cane  and  tobacco.  The  island  is  free 
from  animals  with  the  exception  of  a  small 
pest  known  as  field-mice,  which  overrun  the 
island  in  countless  droves. 

As  this  alarming  intelligence  was  read 
several  ladies  shrieked  with  terror,  while 
one  petite  blonde  fainted. 

Miss —  arose  to  ask  whether  the  war  was 
to  free  Cuba  from  the  Spaniards  or  the 
mice. 

Miss —  offered  the  following  resolution : 

"Resolved,  That  we,  the  young  ladies  of 
the-  Berkeley  High  School,  feel  deeply 
grieved  at  the  Spainful  news  that  our  belov- 
ed country  is  about  to  declare  war. 

"That  we  support  the  constitution  of  the 
United  States,  also  President  McKinley  and 
all  the  good  looking  members  of  his  cabi- 
net. 

"That  we  hereby  agree  to  defend  the 
heights  of  Grizzly  Peak  against  all  enemies, 
on  condition  that  we  are  allowed  to  hold  a 
picnic  there  every  moonlight  night." 

Carried  unanimousl}^  and  meeting  ad- 
journed, subject  to  the  call  of  the  Chair — and 
I  scooted. 


66 

LORIN'S  STREETS. 

I  went  down  to  Lorin  yesterday  and  was 
greatly  pleased  with  its  beautiful  streets  ma- 
cadamized with  mud.       I  was  sent  to  Trustee 

house  to  get  some  furniture,  by  a  young 

man  who  met  me  and  who  had  an  angel  on 
his  starboard  arm  and  whom  he  called  dear, 
and  she  called  him  love.  Neither  one  called 
me  love,  when  I  got  back,  covered  with  Al- 
catraz  avenue  mud,  although  I  was  a  lovely 
sight.  I  inquired  of  the  groceryman  at  the 
corner  of  Shattuck  and  Alcatraz  avenue  and 
he  advised  me  to  take  a  pilot  and  to  keep  the 
deep  sea  lead  going.  I  asked  him  if  Alcatraz 
avenue  was  so  bad,  and  he  said  that  it  was  in 
pretty  good  condition  in  summer,  and  for  fear 
that  it  would  be  passable  through  the  winter, 
the  Trustees  had  ordered  a  sewer  laid  so  that 
teamsters  would  get  stuck  and  swear.  How- 
ever,  I  went  on  and  as  I  could  see  the  tips  of 
the  horses  ears  sticking  out  of  the  mud,  I 
had  no  trouble  in  guiding  him.  About  half 
a  block  down  I  met  a  teamster  with  a  der- 
rick. He  said  he  had  lost  a  horse,  wagon  and 
a  quarter  ton  of  coal  in  a  hole  just  below  us, 
and  asked  me  to  help  him.  After  an  hour's 
work  we  got  him  out  and  a  gentleman  stand- 
ing near  got  an  old  real  estate  sign  and  a 
marking  pot  and  told  me  to  put  an  inscrip- 
tion on  it  to  warn  teamsters.  I  did  so,  marked 
it  and  stuck  it  up,  and  as  the  sign  reads, 
"This  is  Hell,"  I   hope   teamsters  and    town 


67 

officials  will  keep  away.  I  journeyed  on 
and  at  lenth  reached  the  Trustee's  house,  got 
my  load  and  returned.  Up  near  the  post- 
office  I  saw  an  old  bulletin  board,  lettered, 
.''Public  notice,  city  of  Berkeley."  I  procured 
a  piece  of  chalk  and  wrote:  Ordinance  No. 
41,444 — It  is  hereby  ordered  that  the  name 
of  this  street  be  changed  from  Alcatraz  ave- 
nue to  mud  lane,  and  that  the  teamsters  who 
get  stuck  shall  not  cuss  the  Trustees  out 
loud.  This  ordinance  shall  take  effect  im- 
mediately. I  met  Dr.  Rowell  down  there 
and  inquired:  ''How  is  business,  Doc..'^"  He 
replied,  "bully,"  and  informed  me  that  he  had 
just  been  appointed  Deputy  Coroner  for 
Lorin,  and  as  from^  four  to  six  men  were 
drowned  every  night  in  the  mud-holes,  he  was 
doing  a  very  fair  business  holding  inquests. 
He  said  the  inquests  were  just  a  formality,  as 
the  verdict  was  always  the  same.  That  the 
deceased  came  to  his  death  by  trying  to  walk 
through  the  streets  of  Lorin  after  dark.  The 
Doctor  very  kindly  said  that  if  I  would  come 
down  some  night  and  take  a  walk  through 
Lorin  that  he  would  give  me  a  first-class  in- 
quest and  mention  my  many  virtues  to  the 
jury,  for  which  I  returned  him  my  sincere 
thanks. 


A  BERKELEYAN   ABROAD. 

A  young  Englishman,  now  and    for    some 
years  past   a  resident   of   Berkeley,    took    a 


68 


vacation  a  short  time  ago,  and,  having  a  little 
ready  money,  decided  to  visit  the  home  of 
his  childhood  in  Great  Britain.  After  a 
pleasant  passage  across  the  dark  blue  sea,  he 
reached  the  village  where  he  was  born,  and, 
having  plenty  of  ready  cash,  and  also  being 
(as  the  villagers  considered  it)  a  great  travel- 
er, and  coming  from  far-famed  California, 
the  land  of  gold,  he  was  quite  a  hero,  and  all 
went  merry  as  a  marriage  bell  for  some  time, 
but  finally  cash  ran  short  and  the  young  man 
was  forced  to  look  around  for  some  employ- 
ment to  recruit  his  finances.  -Luck  threw  a 
very  good  situation  in  his  way  and  he  ap- 
plied for  the  position  His  application  was 
favorably  received,  but  he  was  informed  that 
he  must  have  a  recommendation  from  his 
last  employer. 

"Where  did  you  work  last?"  was  asked. 
"Well,"  replied  the   young  man,    "I    have 
just      returned     from     California,     where    I 

worked  for  Mr.  B and  Judge  L ." 

"What,"  exclaimed  his  would-be  employer, 
"was  you  hactually  hin  the  service  of  ha 
Judge?" 

"Yes,"  replied  our  hero,  "I  was  in  his  ser- 
vice about  eight  months."  (But  he  didn't 
tell  him  that  he  spent  his  time  digging  post- 
holes,  whitewashing  fences,  etc.) 

"Well/'  replied  the  gentleman,  "you  know, 
hof  course,  that  hi  could  not  think  of  liem- 
ploying  ha  servant  without  ha  good  recom- 
mendation, but  hif  you  can  get  ha  letter  from 
such  ha  distinguished  person  has  this  Hamer- 


69 

ican  Judge,  hi  shall  be  glad  to  hemploy  you." 
"Very  good,"  said  the  young  man,  "I  will 
write  to  Judge  i.. —  and  ask  him  for  a  recom- 
mendation." He  did  so,  at  the  same  time 
explaining  the  situation  and  the  joke,  and 
also  intimating  that  in  England  judges  were 
considered  "some  punkins,"  and  to  please 
put  on  some  style  in  the  answer.  Now,  it 
happened  that  the  Judge  was  busy  hoeing 
his  potatoes,  and  knowing  that  no  one  was 
more  competent  to  write  a  suitable  reply 
than  Boyd,  gave  him  the  letter  to  answer. 
The  following  letter  was  sent  to  the  English 
employer: 

GRIZZI.Y  Peak  Pai^ace,  July  lo,  '95. 

Dear  Sir:     In  reply  to  your  letter  of  inquiry  concern- 
ing James I  beg  to  say  that  he  is  a  perfect  Jo  Dandy . 

His  honesty  is  unquestioned,  as  we  have  on  several  occa- 
sions been  forced  to  send  him  a  long  distance  with   wagon - 

loads  of  gold  freshly   dug  from  Judge  L 's  mine.     We 

take  great  pleasure  in  bearing  witness  to  his  faithfulness 
while  in  his  lordship,  the  Judge's  service.  His  royal  high- 
ness the  Judge  would  have  answered  your  polite  letter  in 
person,  but  he  was  called  away  to  join  a  hunting  party  who 
was  going  over  to  hunt  bear  and  mountain  lion  on  Wildcat 
Cre-ek.     His  last  words  as  he  passed  the   outer  wall  of  the 

castle  were:     "Oh,  that  James were  here,  I   should 

feel  safer."     I  beg  to  remain  your  most  obedient  servant, 

John  E.  Boyd. 
Private  Secretary  to  the  Right  Hon.  Chief  Justice   L . 


Jim  got  the  situation. 


U.  C.  TOBACCO  GARDEN. 


I  read  in  the  daily  papers  that  there  is 
considerable  opposition  and  talk  about  the 
raising  of  a  few  stalks  of  tobacco  at  the 
U.  of  C.  gardens.     That  several  ministers  of 


70 

the  gospel  have  expressed  their  opinion  that 
nothing  should  be  grown  there  that  is  hurt- 
ful to  mankind,  I  quite  agree  with  them. 
But  why  stop  at  tobacco?  True,  I  have 
such  a  hatred  to  tobacco  that  I  have  been 
doing  my  level  best  to  burn  it  up  for  the  last 
thirty  years,  and  I  flatter  myself  I  have  re- 
duced to  ashes  a  large  quantity  of  the  filthy 
weed.  But  is  the  U.  of  C.  not  growing 
other  plants  which  are  destructive  to  man- 
kind ?  On  one  of  the  plateaus  of  the 
grounds  you  will  find  a  large  field   of  hemp. 

Now  what  is  more  destructive  to  a  great 
many  men  than  hemp!  My  second  cousin's 
aunt  had  a  boy,  a  promising  young  lad  of 
2^'^  summers,  who  emigrated  to  Texas  a  few 
years  ago.  He  was  afflicted  with  kleptoma- 
nia; in  fact,  he  would  steal  anything  he 
could  lay  his  hands  on  through  this  terrible 
affliction.  His  friends  sent  him  to  Texas, 
hoping  the  climate  might  effect  a  cure.  One 
fine  morning  he  was  taken  with  a  sudden 
attack  of  klep.  and  vamoosed  the  ranch  with 
one  of  the  rancher's  best  mares.  He  was 
pursued,  taken  prisoner  and  died  by  having 
one  end  of  a  piece  of  hemp  tied  around  his 
neck  and  the  other  end  to  the  limb  of  a  tree. 
And  still  our  college  will  encourage  the  rais- 
ing of  the  accursed  hemp. 

Go  to  San  Quentin  or  Folsom,  friends, 
and  ask  the  prisoners  what  they  have  the 
greatest  dread  of  The  answer  is  hemp. 
Ask  the  Warden  what  has  caused  the  death 
of   many    a    man.      He    will    answer   hemp. 


71 

Then  why  blame  Captain  Kellner  for  raising 
tobacco,  and  not  a  word  said  about  the 
destructive  hemp. 


HE  FEELS  BETTER  NOW. 


I  wish  to  thank  the  people  of  Berkeley  for 
the  kind  manner  in  whidh  they  sympathized 
with  me  during  my  late  sickness.  1  also 
wish  to  return  my  sincere  thanks  to  the  4643 
friends  who  so  kindly  sent  me  4643  receipts 
for  rheumatism,  and  beg  to  say  that  I  tried 
4642  of  the  remedies.  One  of  my  friends 
sent  me  word  that  when  he  was  laid  up  with 
the  rheumatism,  so  that  he  could  hardly  move 
hand  or  foot,  he  got  rolling,  blind  drunk,  and 
when  he  got  sober  the  rheumatism  had  left  him. 
I  did  not  try  this  remedy,  partly  on  account 
of  the  expense,  partly  on  account  of  the  mile 
limit  and  partly  on  account  of  not  wishing  to 
set  a  bad  example  to  the  other  expressmen 
at  Berkeley  station  who  look  upon  me  as  a 
shining  light.  But  of  all  the  other  prescrip- 
tions I  took  a  dose,  and  as  they  did  not  do 
me  any  good  I  mixed  the  4642  remedies  into 
one  demijohn  and  took  the  whole,  but  of  no 
avail  and  the  rheumatism  sticketh  closer  to 
my  starboard  leg  than  a  brother. 

I  was  much  pleased  to  hear  that  the  mem- 
bers of  Lookout  Mountain  Post  No.  88, 
G.  A.  R.,  had  passed  resolutions  of  respect 
to  my  memory,  and  had  decided  to  attend 
the  funeral  in   a    body.      I    felt    pleased   and 


72 

did  not  wish  to  disappoint  them,  but  when  ] 
sent  up  to  an  undertaking  firm  on  Center 
street  for  a  price  Hst  and  with  profound 
astonishment  saw  what  it  would  cost  me  to 
engage  a  black  hearse,  six  white  mules  and  a 
nigger  driver,  I  concluded  to  remain  in 
beautiful  Berkeley  a  while  longer,  hoping 
that  times  would , improve  and  that  there 
would  not  always  be  sixteen  expressmen  to 
one  trunk  at  Berkeley  station. 


BOYD  FEELS  LIKK  SWliARING. 


I  read  an  article  in  one  of  the  San  Fran- 
cisco papers  that  I  think  is  a — well,  I  wont 
have  any  swear  words  in,  so  I  will  say  it  is  a 
confounded  piece  of  impudence.  It  appears 
that  one  of  the  royal  princes  of  Europe  has 
arrived  at  marriageable  age.  His  title  is 
Prince  of  Teck.  He  is  as  poor  as  a  Berkeley 
expressman,  and  it  has  been  planned  to  have 
him  marry  Queen  Willemena  of  Holland,  and 
then  if  she  refuses  to  hive  him,  he  is  to  be 
allowed  to  seek  the  hand  of  Miss  Anna  Goe- 
let,  a  young  lady  of  New  York  City.  Well — 
there  I  was  just  starting  to  swear  again — 
blast  his  impudence!  \{  he  can't  'get  this 
Dutch  queen  he  will  condescend  to  take  this 
American  girl  and  her  wealth,  $io,oor>,ooo 
thrown  in.  I  hope  and  trust  that  this  young 
lady.  Miss  Anna  Goelet,  will  have  him  kicked 
down  stairs  the  first  time  he  has  the  audacity 
to  present  himself  at  the  house.       Just  fancy, 


n 

what  a  reception  a  young  man  would  receive 
who  would  present  himself  at  any  American 
home  and  say  to  the  head  of  the  house:  "1 
have  made  proposals  for  the  hand  of  Miss 
—  ,  and  if  she  refuses  me  I  should  like 
your  consent  to  marry  your  daughter,"  If 
that  parent  didn't  kick  him  down  stairs  he 
was  a  fool,  and  if  he  did,  and  broke  the  fel- 
low's neck,  I  would  endeavor  to  get  on  the 
jury  and  render  a  verdict  of  justifiable 
homicide.  Oh,  Miss  Anna  Goelet,  don't  let 
this  Prince  of  Teck  make  a  hand-me-down 
wife  of  you  Every  paper  which  speaks  of 
this  affair  claims  that  it  is  not  you  but  your 
ten  million  of  good  American  dollars  that 
he  is  in  love  with. 

Extracts  from  English  papers  remark 
that  Miss  Goelet  has  no  ancestry  to  recom- 
mend her,  or  in  other  words,  she  is  not  de- 
scended from  any  pirates  of  the  17th  cen- 
tury, nor  some  of  the  harlots  of  Charles  the 
First's  age.  No  aristocrat  of  Europe,  she 
bears  the  proudest  title  on  earth — a  true- 
hearted,  full-blooded  American  girl,  and 
that  she  will  spurn  with  the  contempt  they 
deserve,  the  advances  of  any  Dutch  Prince, 
who  is  hunting  for  American  dollars. 

Let  Miss  Goelet  read  the  following  ex- 
tract from  the  London  "Times"  and  see 
how  they  view  the  alliance  "over  the  Pond." 

"Ten  millions  in  her  own  right!  No 
wonder  England's  Queen,  who  has  ever 
been  canny  in  financial  matters,  is  thinking 
of  over-looking  the  bourgeois  origin  of  the 


74 

heiress  of  Ogden  Goelet  and  engaging  her 
hand  in  marriage  to  Alexander,  Prince  of 
Teck.  For  the  fortunesof  the  honse  ofTeck, 
now  so  closely  bound  to  the  reigning  house 
of  England,  must  be  rehabilitated.  While 
not  as  poor  as  church  mice,  the  poverty  of 
the  Teck  princes  is  a  by-word  in  Europe." 


A  BASE  SLANDER. 


Happening  to  drop  into  the  Town  Hall 
the  other  day  to  leave  some  orders  as  to  how 
the  town  government  should  be  run,  and  to 
make  some  changes  in  a  proposed  ordi- 
nance, I  was  surprised  and  indignant  on 
picking  up  a  card  which  read  as  follows : 
"Branch  of  the  Lion  Dye  Works  where  the 
Royal  Family  have  their  d3nng  and  clean- 
ing done." 

Now  dear  public  this  is  not  only  a  base 
slander,  but  it  is  a  pure  imposition.  I  (put 
that  capital  I )  have  mingled  long  enough 
with  the  royal  and  aristocratic  circles  of 
Europe  to  know  what  I  am  talking  about. 
Neither  the  Prince  nor  Princess  of  Wales 
have  any  article  dyed,  not  even  their  mus- 
taches nor  character. 

I  know  in  fact  that  my  friend,  the  Prince 
of  Wales,  despises  a  man  who  is  so  mean  as 
to  get  his  clothing  dyed  or  to  pick  up  cigar 
stumps  in  the  street,  for  he  told  me  so,  and 
I  also  know  that  the  Queen  of  England  has 
a  beautiful  head  of  hair  (all  her  own  too,  for 
I  was  with  her  when  she    bought   it)  which 


75 

she  never  thinks    of  getting   dyed    and    of 
which  she  is  very  particular. 

J3ut  I  think  I  have  said  enough  to  con- 
tradict this  scandalous  assertion — but  one 
more  remark  before  I  close.  I  was  talking 
to  Town  Clerk  Hanscom  the  other  day  and 
he  inquired  what  color  I  desired  the  license 
blanks  and  I  told  him  that  I  was  going  to 
have  them  "Blue  and  Gold,''  and  left  orders 
to  that  effect,  but  on  no  account  will  this 
branch  of  the  Lion  Dye  Works  get  the   job. 


A     BKRKELEYITFi'S     EXPERIENCE. 


Being  called  away  on  business  I  was 
forced  to  leave  our  fair  town  to  take  care 
of  itself  all  day  Tuesday,  but  on  my  return 
was  much  pleased  to  find  Berkeley  in  the 
same  place  and  everything  moving  along 
smoothly,  for  which  I  must  return  arising 
vote  of  thanks  to  Marshal  Lloyd  and  the 
Town  Board. 

I  journeyed  to  Santa  Rosa  on  what  they 
called  the  accommodation  train.  It  is  so 
called  because  it  stops  anywhere  along  the 
road,  and  accommodates  the  people  by  wait- 
ing for  freight  until  they  are  ready  to  send 
it.  For  instance,  a  lady  brought  down  a 
box  with  nine  dozen  and  eleven  eggs  in  it, 
and  when  she  mentioned  to  the  conductor 
that  she  would  like  to  send  a  full  ten  dozen, 
the  obliging  conductor  agreed  to  wait  until 
the  hen  laid  another  egg.       Another  time    a 


76 

man  wished  to  send  a  few  cans  of  milk  up 
the  road,  and  we  had  to  wait  until  the  cows 
were  milked.  A^ain,  a  lady  wished  to  send 
some  clothes  to  her  son,  and  the  train  was 
delayed  35  minutes,  while  she  finished  darn- 
ing a  pair  of  socks.  But  it  was  on  the  home- 
ward journey  that  I  was  dumfounded.  I 
asked  for  a  ticket  to  Berkeley,  and  the  poor, 
ignorant  conductor  couldn't  sell  me  one,  and 
with  a  shame-faced  look  confessed  that  he 
had  never  heard  of  tlie  place. 

"What!"  said  I,  "never  heard  of  Berke- 
ley, the  home  of  learning,  and  Frank  Con- 
nely,  and  Boyd's  Express?  The  abiding 
place  of  Louis  Gottshall  and  Fred  Fonzo? 
The  spot  where  dwell  such  noble  men  as 
George  Lowe,  Rod  Cameron,  Chas. 
Kearns  and  Doc  Jessupp?  The  Athens  of 
the  Pacific  Coast?''  The  poor,  broken- 
hearted fellow  shed  tears,  and  afier  giving 
him  my  blessing  and  one  of  my  fly-cards,  I 
left  him  and  walked  to  Berkeley,  beating 
the  train  one  hour  and  27  minutes. 


HIS  FACE  IS  HIS  FORTUNE. 


In  speaking  of  your  humble  servant  in  the 
Board  or  Town  Trustees  please  draw  it  mild. 
Go  as  light  as  you  possibly  can.  You  don't 
know  what  a  peculiar  position  you  are  liable 
to  place  me  in.  One  day  last  week  you 
Trustees  said: 

"Among  our  prominent  citizens  none  stand 


n 

higher  In  our  town  than  Mr.  John  E.  Boyd. 
Young,  handsome  and  talented,  he  is  not  only 
a  favorite  among  our  business  men  but  a  pet 
with  the  fair  sex." 

iSFow,  Mr.  Trustee,  why  in  the  world  didn't 
you  add  that  I  was  a  married  man  and  the 
father  of  six  children  ?  Then  I  wouldn't  be 
sailing  under  false  pretenses  as  I  am  at  pres- 
ent. Read  the  followinor  letter  which  I 
received  by  the  last  mail: 

Leap  Year,  March  lo. 

Dear  Mr.  Boyd: — Although  a  perfect  stranger  to  you 
I  have  read  such  good  accounts  of  you  in  the  I^erkeley  Ad- 
vocate that  I  thought  I  would  write  you  a  few  lines.  This 
is  a  beautiful  year  for  leap  year  and  everything  looks  charm- 
ing, and  I  just  thought  that  if  you  could  pay  me  a  visit  down 
here  how  you  would  enjoy  yourself,  and  it  being  leap  year 
what  nice  times  we  could  have.  My  period  for  wearing 
mourning  will  expire  on  the  6th  of  next  month  and  (it  being 
leap  year)  I  have  concluded  to  wear  lighter  colors,  and  I 
hope  you  will  accept  my  invitation  and  visit  vme  and  will 
try  to  make  you  welcome.  I  shall  not  of  course,  consent  or 
expect  to  receive  one  cent  of  your  board  while  here,  but 
shall  try  and  make  you  enjoy  your  leap  year  visit  to  my 
island  home.  QueEN  LiIvIKANlai^a. 

N.  B.     I  forgot  to  mention  that  this  is  leap  year.       L. 

Now,  Mr.  Trustee,  I  see  but  one  way  out 
of  this  scrape  that  you  have  got  me  into.  I 
shall  send  Fred  Gillett  down  in  my  place,  as 
he  is  very  near  as  handsome  as  I  am  and  a 
single  man. 


PHILOSOPHY  AS  VIEWED  BY  BOYD. 

I  find  the  following  announcement  in  yes- 
terday's papers  : 

"Next    week,    Friday,    the    Philosophical 


78 

Union  holds  its  regular  meeting.  The  ques- 
tion for  the  evi-ning  is  :  '  The  shortand  easy 
method  of  Hegel  and  Dr.  Harris  with  the 
difficulties  oi  Ag:iosticism,  especially  in  the 
Kantian  form  and  basis  of  them;  whether  it 
is  \alid  (inal.'  The  discussion  will  be  opened 
by  S.  M.  Augustine.  E.  B.  McGilvary  will 
also  participate." 

Next  Iriday  night — well,  I'll  be  there,  If  I 
can  only  keep  sober.  I  wonder  which  side 
will  carry  the  question,  Hegel  or  Dr.  Harris. 
I  wonder  whether  the  Kantian  form  is  any- 
thing like  the  Can-Can  and  whether  Agnos 
Whats-his-name  will  do  the  act. 

These  meetings  are  always  inteiestingand 
should  be  largely  attended.  I  attended  one 
about  three  weeks  ago,  and  was  well  pleased. 
The  question  was,  "Whether  the  Highro- 
garaa  is  elevated  or  placed  on  a  lower  plane 
than  the  Skadinkdidum  when  the  Largenin 
overtops  the  minacure  of  the  Solajam."  Prof. 
Fred  Gillett  took  the  affirmative  side  of  the 
question  and  Mr.  Shad  Hogpergrass  of  Crow 
Valley  the  negative.  The  discussion  was 
won  by  Prof.  G.  and  Mr.  Hogpergrass  took 
his  defeat  good-naturedly  and  treated  the 
audience  to  25  cents  worth  of  steam  beer. 
I  will  close  by  saying  that  che  lecture  was 
good  and  so  was  the  beer. 

A  YOUTHFUL  FIREBUG. 

A  good  little  boy  who  lives  near  Miss 
Head's  school  went  out  yesterday    morning 


79 

to  amuse  himself  in  childish  sport.  After 
playing  awhile  the  brilliant  idea  entered  his 
little  brain  that  it  would  be  the  height  of 
enjoyment  to  have  a  bonfire.  Gathering  a 
sufficient  quantity  of  dry  leaves,  sticks,  etc., 
he  soon  had  a  brilliant  blaze.  Suddenly  a 
bright  thought  struck  his  little  cranium  and 
he  started  for  his  happy  home.  Now  it  hap- 
pened that  a  young  lady,  living  near,  seeing 
the  fire,  and  thinking  it  might  start  the  dry 
grass  in  the  field  and  thus  cause  some  dam- 
age, went  over  to  extinguish  it.  As  she  ap- 
proached the  fire  she  saw  the  little  boy  ap- 
proaching with  a  watering  can  and  she  said 
to  herself  what  a  dear  sweet  boy  and  how 
thoughtful.  As  the  lady  reached  the  fire  she 
said:  "My  dear  little  boy,  you  are  going  to 
sprinkle  the  water  around  so  that  the  grass 
will  not  catch  fire,  are  you.^^"  "Water  be 
hanged,"  said  the  young  innocent,  "I've  got 
this  watering  can  full  of  coal-oil  and  I  am 
going  to  have  some  fun,  just  watch  it,"  and 
as  he  sprinkled  a  few  drops  on  the  fire,  the 
lady  hurriedly  withdrew  a  few  paces.  The 
gay  young  innocent  laughed  in  childish  glee 
at  the  lady's  fear.  Again  he  approached  the 
fire  to  give  it  another  baptism,  but  stumbled, 
and  as  the  oil  fell  on  the  fire  and  on  the 
youthful  hero's  person,  his  clothing  ignited, 
and  but  for  the  prompt  action  of  the  young 
lady,  who  is  as  beautiful  as  she  is  tender 
hearted,  gallantly  grasped  the  sweet  angel 
and  with  the  aid  of  her  shawl  extinguished 
the  fire  on  the  boy's  clothing. 


8o 

After  assuring-  herself  that  all  danger  was 
past,  she  inquired  of  the  yoLUii^^  firebug, 
"Where  did  you  get  the  coal  oil?"  "My 
dear,  good  ma  gave  it  to  me,"  replied  the 
youthful  Ananius.  ''What  a  dear,  good, 
kind  mother  you  must  have,"  said  the  )oung 
lady.  "The  next  time  you  build  a  bonfire, 
just  tell  her  to  furrish  you  with  a  couple  of 
pounds  of  powder,  so  that  you  may  have 
some  sport  and  become  a  real  angel  with  a 
pair  of  golden  wings.  Now,  run  home,  and 
next  time  you  have  a  bonfire  let  us  know,  and 
we  will  have  the  fire  boys  up  here  with  their 
hose  cart  to  see  the  fun.'' 


BOCKMAN'S  OLD  CORNhZR. 

Speaking  to  a  student  the  other  day  I 
mentioned  "Bockman's  corner  as  near  the 
place  I  had  reference  to.  To  my  surprise 
he  asked  me  where  "Bockman's  corner  was, 
and  I  answered  him  by  inquiring,  "How 
long  have  yon  been  attending  the  l".  C.?'' 
When  he  answered  fonr  years,  I  was  pu/zled 
at  first,  but  hapi)ened  to  remember  that 
time  flew,  that  Bockman's  resort  was  burned 
down  about  twelve  years  ago,  and  that  I  was 
getting  to  be  an  old  man,  I  was  not 'so  much 
surprised  that  he  did  not  know  where 
"Bockman's  corner"  was. 

Ask  any  of  the  old  U.  C.  boys  of  '72  to  '84 
where  "Bockman's  corner"  was.  They  all 
knew.     Ask  them  where  their  favorite  place 


8i 


for  drinking  Bookman's  beer  was,  and  they 
will  tell  you  the  choice  lounging  place  was 
up  in  the  old  oak  tree  (since  cut  down)  in  the 
top  of  which  Bocknian  had  a  platform 
erected  on  which  were  placed  tables  and 
chairs  and  reached  by  a  pair  of  stairs. 

Oh  what  gay  times  the  students  had  up 
in  the  old  tree  !  No  Freshman  was  ever 
allowed  to  ascend  the  stairs.  If  they  wanted 
a  gla^s  of  beer  the}^  could  get  it  in  the 
saloon  in  the  building,  but  to  desecrate  that 
tree  with  their  Freshman  footsteps — no, 
never ! 

Only  once  did  ever  Freshmen  set  foot  up 
that  sacred  tree,  and  that  was,  I  think,  along 
in '75  when  Jerry  Lincoln,  ^-jS,  and  a  few 
of  his  friends  got  me  to  enact  the  part  of  a 
burglar  just  captured  as  I  was  trying  to 
break  into  South  Hall.  I  was  taken  over 
to  ''Bockman's  tree"  and  four  green  little 
Freshies  (each  armed  with  a  carbine)  de- 
tailed to  guard  me  after  being  assured  that 
it  was  part  of  their  duties  to  guard  all  U.  C. 
prisoners.  I  sat  at  the  table  wdth  a  pipe 
and  mug  of  beer  while  the  four  Freshies 
were  directed  to  walk  sentr}^,  one  on  each 
of  the  four  sides,  while  I  (as  had  been 
agreed  upon)  opened  a  roll  of  blankets, 
rolled  myself  up  and  went  to  sleep. 

A  few  minutes  after,  Bradford,  '84,  and 
Wheeler  of  the  same  class,  came  up  and 
said  to  the  sentries:  "Go  down  and  get 
some  supper  in  the  restaurant  (Bockman's) 
and    we   will    stay  while  you  eat ;  it  is  all 


82 


paid  for,  don't  be  long."  As  soon  as  the 
Fresh ies  went  away  I  got  up  and  we  fixed, 
the  blankets  to  appear  as  if  I  was  still  there,, 
and  slipping  down  stairs  I  went  home. 

The  poor  Freshies  walked  sentry  until 
about  one  o'clock  in  the  morning  when  one 
of  them  happened  to  stumble  over  the  sup- 
posed sleeping  man  and  disturbing  the  blan- 
kets they  saw  the  chunks  of  wood.  They 
smelt  a  rat  and  went  home.  I  don't  want 
to  tell  tales  out  of  school,  so  I  will  not  say 
whether  our  present  Town  Engineer  had 
anything  to  do  with  this  job  or  not. 


A  WRONG  IDEA. 


I  find  the  following  item  going  the  rounds 
of  the  public  press  which  I  hope  you  will 
contradict : 

''The  Duchess  of  Edinburg,  now  the  Duch- 
ess of  Saxe  Coburg-Gotha,  only  daughter  of 
Czar  Alexander  II,  grandmother  of  the  baby 
heir  to  the  throne  of  Roumania,  and  alto- 
gether an  important  and  popular  person  in 
European  royal  society,  is  said  to  have  in- 
troduced an  innovation  at  her  5  o'clock  tea- 
table  since  she  went  to  live  at  Castle  Rosenau. 
She  serves  her  guests  with  potatoes  in  their 
jackets." 

Will  you  kindly  inform  the  American  pub- 
lic that  the  fashion  has  been  in  our  family  for 
years  and  I  don't  want  her  Royal  Highness,. 


«3 


the  Dutchess  of  Edinburg,  to  get  the    credit 
of  this  wonderful  innovation. 

N.  B. — What   in  thunder  does  innovation 
mean  anyhow? 


BOYD  WILL  GO. 


In  last  Saturday's  Call  I  find  the  follow- 
ing item  : 

''  Professor will  lecture  before  the 

California  Union  on  "Bologna  and  the 
Italian  Universities,"  at  the  next  meeting 
of  the  Union  on  November  2nd." 

Lecturing  on  Bolognas,  is  he  ?  I  hope  he 
will  be  accurate  and  explain  why  the 
Berkeley  poundmaster  always  stops  at  a 
West  Berkeley  butchers  on  his  road  home 
with  a  wagon  full  of  stray  dogs.  I  hope  the 
learned  professor  does  not  mean  to  insin- 
uate that  the  students  at  the  Italian  Uni- 
versity are  better  judges  of  bologna  sausage 
than  our  U.  C.  boys.  Give  some  of  the 
boys  I  could  name  a  big  schooner  and  a  few 
crackers  and  I  will  guarantee  them  to  get 
away  with  as  much  bologna  as  any  Italian 
student. 

Some  low-minded  sausage  makers  have 
been  known  to  put  cats  in  their  sausage 
machines,  but  it  gives  an  ill  flavor  that 
stamps  it  as  fraudulent,  and  no  doubt  the 
learned  professor  will  expose  such  base 
methods. 

General    Sherman    used   to   say  that  the. 


84 

greatest  trouble  he  had  on  his  march  to  the 
sea  was  to  persuade  his  soldiers  that  mule 
meat  was  a  proper  article  of  diet,  but  turn 
those  same  men  loose  at  a  free  lunch 
counter  and  they  would  not  stop  to  ask 
whether  the  bologna  sausage  was  made  out 
of  cat,  rat  or  mule  meat.  They  would  clean 
the  platter. 

Well,  professor,  I  bespeak  a  front  seat  at 
your  lecture,  and  I  hope  you  will  explain 
the  difference  between  bolognas  and  frank- 
furters and  also  the  Dutch  and  French  style 
of  manufacturing  the  toothsome  delicacies. 
And  professor,  while  you  are  on  the  subject 
of  foreign  luxuries,  can't  you  say  a  few 
words  about  that  delicious  article  Lim- 
burger  cheese. 

Some  frauds  a  few  years  ago  started  a 
Limburger  cheese  factory  down  in  Keyport, 
New  Jersey,  but  the  imposition  w^as  soon 
exposed.  A  man  could  come  within  300 
yards  of  the  spurious  article  without  being 
knocked  down,  and  as  the  smell  never  had 
any  effect  on  the  town  clock  the  business 
was  soon  discontinued. 

I  hope  the  professor  will  not  forget  to 
warn  people  against  Chicago  sausages, 
where  they  say  that  a  wicked  man  killed  his 
wife  and  made  sausage  and  soap  out  of  her. 
Let  us  soap  that  that  bologna  did  not  reach 
Berkeley. 


85 
BOYD  AT  DAWSON. 


Dawson  City,  December  9,  '98. 

As  my  many  friends  in  Berkeley  are  no 
doubt  anxious  as  to  my  whereabouts  and 
welfare,  I  wish  to  inform  all  that  I  am  in 
good  health  and  working  regular.  I  wish 
to  inform  new  comers  into  this  country  that 
the  dreaded  Chilcoot  pass  is  a  humbug. 
Before  I  started  I  secured  a  letter  of  intro- 
duction from  my  friend  Mr.  Mark  Hanna  to 
Mr.  Chilcoot  and  he  passed  me  over  the 
Skagk-and-away . 

My  arrival  at  Dawson  took  place  in  the 
evening.  The  sun  was  just  setting  and  all 
nature  looked  gay.  The  thermometer  reg- 
istered 36  degrees  below  the  town  hall  and 
I  registered  at  the  Dawson  hotel.  The 
supper  table  afforded  me  an  agreeable  sur- 
prise on  beholding  its  well-spread  sideboards 
groaning  with  luxuries.  I  had  heard  so 
much  in  the  lying  San  Francisco  papers 
about  the  starvation  prices  in  Dawson  that 
when  I  beheld  the  generous  supply  I  ex- 
claimed to  Walkin  Miller,  a  well-known 
character  in  Dawson,  and  who  gained  his 
title  by  having  walked  every  step  of  the 
way,  disdaining  the  Pulman  cars  and 
such  luxuries — as  I  said,  I  remarked  to  Mr. 
Miller,  "  This  beats  Berkeley,  even  at  the 
time  all  the  lodges  are  giving  their  installa- 
tion suppers." 


86 


The  bill  of  fare  was  as  follows  : 

Stewed  Seals'  Flippers, 
Baked  Walrus, 
Fried  Snow-balls, 

and  a  choice  dish  known  as  Klondyke  Stew, 
consisting  of  equal  parts  of  potatoes,  rough- 
on-rats,  stale  bread,  Carter's  little  liver  pills, 
with  a  few  drops  of  castoria.  As  a  proof 
that  hospitality  is  general,  I  send  you  the 
following  item  clipped  from  the  Klondyke 
Howler — the  of&cial  paper  : 

"one  man's  loss  is  another  man's  gain." 

"  We  mentioned  in  last  week's  paper  the 
fact  that  Pete  Bradley  had  met  with  a 
severe  loss  in  the  drowning  of  his  dog 
^'Dandy''  w^hile  on  the  trail  from  Dyea. 
News  comes  that  Pete  recovered  the  body, 
brought  it  on,  and  will  invite  his  friends  to  a 
grand  feed  on  Wednesday  next  at  his  shack 
on  Papoose  street.  Thanks,  Pete,  we'll  be 
thar." 

A  young  lady  sent  me  a  letter  a  few  days 
ago  asking  my  advice  as  to  starting  an  ice- 
cream saloon  in  the  city  of  Dawson.  Would 
you  kindly  allow  me  to  advise  her  through 
your  columns  to  give  up  the  idea,  as  I  think 
it  would  be  a  failure,  although  I  think  that 
a  hot  rum  emporium  would  be  a  success. 
I  cannot  say  too  much  in  praise  of  this  city's 
well-kept  streets.  All  macademized  with 
refuse    quartz   rock   which    will    not    yield 


over  $150  to  the  ton;  of  course  that  will  not 
pay  to  mill  it.  I  hear  that  you  are  build- 
ing a  magnificent  park  in  Berkeley  and  also 
enlarging  the  station  for  the  Klondyke  rush. 


BOYD'S  REPLY  TO  A  CLAIM  AGENT. 


Uncle  Sam's  mail  brought  me  a  lengthy 
communication  from  a  gentleman  located 
in  the  Crocker  Building,  San  Francisco, 
saying : 

Dear  Sir — Sometime  ago  I  sent  papers 
to  be  executed  by  you  with  a  view  of  secur- 
ing an  appropriation  to  pay  your  coyote 
scalp  claim,  xxx.  This  will  be  the  last 
notice  sent  and  if  you  do  not  choose  to  put 
in  your  claim  I  would  like  to  know  it.  It 
is  a  fair  proposition,  etc.,  etc., 

Yours  respectfully. 

A H 

Well,  I  don't  know  about  putting  in  my 
claim.  It  is  true  that  when  the  Coyote 
Indians  went  on  the  warpath  and  threatened 
to  desolate  Berkeley  with  fire  and  scalping 
knife,  I,  at  my  own  expense,  raised  one  reg- 
iment, the  56th  Muftidoodles,  and  took  the 
field  against  the  fierce  Coyotes.  In  the 
battle  of  Grizzley  Peak  I  slew  and  scalped 
thirty-one  fierce  Coyote  warriors  with  my 
own  strong  right  arm.  Again  at  the  battle 
of  Strawberry  Creek,  in  the  heat  of  the  fight, 


88 


I  had  a  pile  of  Coyote  braves  in  front  of  me 
— everyone  slain  by  my  own  hand  There 
were  so  many  of  them  that  I  had  to  hire 
Fred  Gillett  to  help  scalp  them.  But  no 
thank  you,  Mr.  Crocker  Building,  I  want 
no  pay  for  my  heroic  deeds.  But  if  in 
future  ages  the  town  of  Berkeley  should  see 
fit  to  erect  a  monument  to  my  memory  I 
should  not  kick.  And  let  it  be  inscribed: 
^'  To  one  of  Berkeley's  heroes  who  never 
refused  a  drink.'' 


BOYD'S  GROWL. 


"  Is  there  no  balm  in  Gilead," — is  there 
no  rest  for  the  weary  pocket-books  of  the 
fathers  of  families  who  are  attending  the 
public  schools  of  pur  town  ?  I  am  led  to 
make  these  remarks  because  there  seems  to 
be  no  end  to  the  school  supplies  and  books 
our  children  want.  After  buying  my  child- 
ren a  wagon  load  of  books  and  sending 
them  to  school  I  supposed  the  trouble  was 
over.  Not  so.  The  next  day  the  teacher 
told  them  to  get  a  book  called,  "  How  Cata- 
pillars  get  the  Jim  Jams."  I  mortgaged  my 
horse  and  wagon  and  bought  the  books. 
Next  day,  wanted  blank-books  and  copy- 
books. No.  1 6.  Robbed  a  trunk  and  got  the 
books.  Two  days  passed  and  no  more  de- 
mands so  I  planned  to  save  up  and  buy 
myself  a  new  pair  of  socks.    But  alas!     The 


89 

third  day  the  teacher  told  the  children  to 
buy  a  book  called  "How  Jack  the  Giant 
Killer  Skinned  the  Cat."  Held  up  a  man  on 
San  Pablo  road  and  got  money  enough  to 
buy  the  books.  Yesterday  they  called  on 
me  for  a  book  called  "Grandfather's  Chair/' 
"Grandfather's  Crutch,"  or  '  Grandfather's 
Wig,"  I  forget  which.  I  disguised  myself 
by  was! ling  my  face  and  got  Bancroft  to 
trust  me,  and  the  end  is  not  yet. 


THE  POET'S  NIGHTMARE. 


Some  years  ago  the '  residents  in  the  vi- 
cinity of  Berkeley  station  were  alarmed  by 
the  report  that  John  McCarthy  (then  post- 
master) was  going  to  remove  the  postoffice 
from  Berkeley  to  I ^ wight  Way.  In  the  ex- 
citement some  unhung  villain  wrote  and  in- 
serted the  following  Imes  in  the  town  paper  : 

Sad  is  the  news  our  people  hear, 

Who  dwell  near  Berkeley  station, 
That  from  its  well  known  resting  place 

Our  Postoffice  will  be  taken. 

That  dear  old  spot  where  we  bought  our  stamps 

We  will  gather-  there  no  more, 
For  they  say  that  Mac  will  pitch  his  tent 

On  Barker's  shining  shore. 

Oh!  Mac,  Oh!  Mac,  what  have  we 

Done  that  you  should  treat  us  so; 
Have  Stewart  &  Trowbridge  such  a 

Pull  that  we  can  have  no  show. 

Oh!  kindly  look  with  pity  on  us, 

And  extend  to  us  your  aid 
That  our  P.  O.  is  not  carried  away 

To  increase  the  Dwight  Way  trade. 


9^     \ 

But  if  this  evil  fall  on  us 

One  thing  we  have  to  bless, 
Mac  and  Barker  and  all  the  crowd 

Can't  rob  us  of  Boyd's  Express.     Amen 


BOYD  VISITS  SANTA  CRUZ. 


There  have  been  so  many  inquiries  made 
concerning  my  absence  from  town  on  Satur- 
day, Sunday  and  Monday  last,  that  I  wish 
to  explain  my  whereabouts  to  the  people  of 
Berkeley.  I  left  Berkeley  on  Saturday 
morning,  and  as  I  was  pretty  sure  the  police 
of  Santa  Cruz  had  never  got  a  view  of  my 
photograph,  I  determined  to  go  there,  and 
although  I  told  the  conductor  on  the  Narrow 
Guage  R.  R.  that  I  was  a  Town  official,  the 
cold-blooded  monster  made  me  pay  fare  just 
the  same  as  a  common  man.  Upon  arrival 
at  Santa  Cruz  there  was  no  excitement,  as  I 
went  down  "incog,"  and  therefore  no  flags 
were  flying — no  band  of  music  played,  "See, 
the  Conquering  Hero  Comes,"  "Does  Your 
Mother  Know  You're  Out,"  or  any  other 
appropriate  tune.  After  attending  to  some 
private  business,  I  was  kindly  invited  to  my 
old  friend  Solomon  Agerter's  ranch  on  the 
foot-hills.  Every  old  resident  of  West 
Berkeley  must  remember  "Sol,"  who  used 
to  reside  on  5th  street,  near  Folsom,  in  the 
house  now  occupied  by  Mr.  Burr.  Wds  I 
made  welrome  on  my  arrival  ?  Well  I 
should  shout !     Supper  was  ready,  and  such 


9i 

a  supper!  No  flowers  or  folderolls  oti  that 
table,  but  such  a  quantity  of  good,  soHd 
macadamizing  for  the  stoiriach ;  and  those 
mince  and  squash  pies  !  I  pre-empted  one- 
qu-^^.rter  section  of  the  mince  and  tried  a  hun- 
dred vara  piece  of  the  squash,  but  couldn't 
manage  it.  After  supper  "Sol"  had  a  few 
chores  to  do;  the  few  chores  consisted  in 
feeding,  watering  and  milking  lo  cows,  2 
horses,  and  a  dozen  pigs.  (I  don't  mean  to 
tell  a  thundering  lie  and  say  he  milked  the 
horses  or  the  pigs  ;  if  he  had,  he  wouldn't 
have  got  through  until  daylight.)  Finally 
we  went  to  bed,  and  although  my  brain  was 
worried  for  fear  that  the  affairs  of  the  town 
might  go  crooked  during  my  absence,  I 
managed  to  drop  off  into  a  sweet  slumber. 
(Mrs.  B.  said  that  I  snored  like  a  hog,  but 
that  is  a  base  slander.)  About  midnight  I 
was  awaken(  d  by  a  tremendous  noise  which 
1  suspected  might  be  a  deputation  of  citizens 
to  tender  me  the  Freedom  of  the  city  of 
Santa  Cruz,  but  awakening  "  Sol,"  he  told 
me  that  it  was  only  a  pack  of  coyotes  on  the 
hill.  Now,  how  the  duece  those  coyotes 
knew  of  my  arrival,  and  why  they  were  so 
glad  to  know  I  was  in  town,  beats  me,  but 
they  certainly  yelled  their  throats  sore  for 
joy.  The  next  morning  I  arose  just  in  time 
to  see  a  yum  yum  breakfast  going  on  the 
table,  and  Mrs.  Agerter  inquired  whether  I 
would  have  coffee  or  milk  for  breakfast.  I 
said  I  would  take  milk,  and  w^hen  she  asked 
me  if  I    would    like    a    drink    of  goats  milk, 


92 

I  quickly  answered  yes,  and  inquired,  "is  it 
Hofburg  or  Washington  brewery  goat's 
milk?"  Mrs.  A.  said  she  didn't  know,  but 
if  I  would  step  to  the  door  I  could  see  for 
myself.  I  did  so,  and  may  I  be  rammed- 
jammed  and  squeezed  if  there  wasn't  that 
poor  Dutchman  milking  a  real  live  goat, 
when  if  the  poor  man  had  only  lived  in  a 
civilized  town  like  Berkeley,  he  might  have 
had  it  delivered  at  his  door  for  $3.00  per 
barrel.  Well,  the  day  passed  pleasantly  and 
all  was  serene  until  dinner  time.  Then  my 
troubles  began.  There  was  an  immense 
chicken  pie  on  the  table,  and  try  as  hard  as  I 
could  I  couldn't  eat  but  seven  plates  full, 
which  left  no  room  for  a  slice  of  squash  pie, 
but  quickly  loosening  the  buttons  of  my 
vest,  1  put  myself  outside  of  a  50-foot  front 
piece.  But  oh  dear!  just  as  1  felt  sad  that  I 
had  no  more  room  for  pie,  a  neighbor  drove 
up  with  a  present  of  three  luscious  water- 
melons for  Mrs.  A.  One  was  cut  and 
passed  around.  Didn't  I  eat  any  ?  Well, 
I  should  giggle  !  I  got  away  with  twenty 
slices,  but,  as  I  didn't  want  to  be  hoggish  I 
threw  the  rind  out  of  doors  to  the  chickens. 
I  was  forced  to  leave  on  Monday  and,  sad  to 
relate,  that  chicken  pie  was  not  all  gone 
when  I  left.  I  arrived  safely  in  Berkeley 
and  found  all  serene,  although  some  parties 
tried  to  obtain  a  R.  R.  franchise  from  the 
Town  Board,  no  doubt  thinking  1  was  away 
and  that  the  Trustees  would  have  no  one  to 
advise  them.     With  many  thanks    to   Geo. 


93 

Schmidt  and  Charley  Spear  for  the  careful 
manner  in  which  the  aftairs  of  the  town 
were  conducted  during  my  absence,  I  remain 
yours,  etc. 

BOYD  ASKS  QUESTIONS. 


Since  the  call  for  the  bond  election  has 
been  issued  it  seems  to  be  the  fashion  for  res- 
idents of  Berkeley  to  criticise  the  School 
Board  and  teachers  and  ask  questions  and 
write  letters  to  the  papers  of  the  town 

I  may  say  that  I  am  in  favor  of  the  school 
bonds  and  will  vote  for  them  if  the  board  and 
teachers  will  explain  a  few  things  I  do  not 
understand:      In  the  first  place,  why  is  it  that 

President has  passed  me  on   the   street 

several  times  and  never  had  the  politeness  to 
say:      **  B ,  come  and  take  a  drink?" 

Again,  why  is  it  that  Principal  Waterman 
has  the  curtains  of  his  house  down  so  that 
the  people  who  pay  taxes  cannot  see  what  he 
has  for  dinner.'^ 

Why  is  it  that  the  School  Superintendent 
rides  a  Spitfire  wheel  when  he  knows  I  am 
agent  for  the  Nonesuch? 

^  Why  did  the  School  Board  pay  $3.00  for 
two  dozen  drinking  cups  in  Berkeley,  when 
by  hunting  around  the  city  the  same  style  of 
cup  might  have  been  bought  for  $2.95. 

Under  what  law,  human  or  divine,  am  I 
forbidden  to  turn  my   horse    into   the    front 


94 

yard  of  Kellogg  School  on  the  Sabbath  day 
to  orraze? 

Do  Principal  Waterman  and  the  school 
teachers  keep  a  correct  tally  of  how  many 
cups  of  V  ater  the  children  drink  during 
school  hours  to  know  whether  the  School 
Board  is  being  cheated  by  that  highly  bene- 
volent institution,  the  Alameda  Water  Com- 
pany, and  also  to  see  that  they  don't  pack 
any  home  in  their  dinner  pails? 

Is  the  Board  aware  that  a  certain  teacher 
in  a  certain  school  paid  50  cents  a  yard  for 
stuff  for  a  dress  and  then  paid  a  dressmaker 
$3.00  to  make  it  up,  and  does  not  the  board 
think  it  time  to  reduce  that   teacher's  salary? 

When  I  receive  a  satisfactory  answer  to 
this  lecter,  Messrs.  School  Directors,  you 
ma)  count  on  my  v^ote  if  I  am  out  of  jail 


ADVICE    TO   JOHN    J. 

I  was  greatly  pleased  to  learn  by  the  city 
papers  that  my  old  friend  John  Jewett  Karle 
has  been  chosen  by  the  sophomore  class  in 
the  University  to  the  chief  position  on  the 
editorial  staff  of  the  Bhie  cmd  Go!d^  and  the 
paper  also  says  some  radical  changes  in  the 
nature  of  the  next  3^ear's  annual  may  be 
an^^icipated  as  it  is  probable  that  a  new 
policy  toward  it  is  about  to  be  adopted  by 
Univeis'ty  authorities.  It  is  very  likely 
that  the  new  editor  will  be  confronted  with 
the  problem  of  publishing  a  saleable  book 


95 

with  ihe  attractive  ''josh"  element  entirely 
eliminated.  Eliminated  !  I  wonder  what 
in  thunder  that  means.  If  eliminated 
means  that  he  is  going  in  to  roast  all  hands 
— professors,  president,  juniors,  janitors, 
expressmen  and  everybody — then  the  book 
will  be  a  success.  But  friend  John  Jewett 
if  you  go  to  make  it  a  goody-goody  book 
then  your  name,  instead  of  being  John  J., 
will  be  "  mud,"  and  you  will  be  in  the 
''  mock  turtle."  No,  J.  J.,  about  the  first 
thing  you  do  is  to  write  an  article  some- 
thing like  this:  "The  Alumni  and  student 
body  were  greatly  surprised  to  learn  that 
Prof.  X was  arrested  yesterday  by  Mar- 
shal Lloyd  on  a  charge   of  stealing   silver 

spoons  from  Mrs.  Dr. while  making  a 

social  call.  The  spoons  were  hidden  in  his 
hat.  Have  a  picture  of  a  gentleman  hiding 
behind  a  large  hat  in  which  are  stuck  sev- 
eral spoons.  Label  it,  "Who  stole  the 
spoons."  Get  your  friends  to  declare  that 
the  Blue  and  Gold  for  igoo  is  going  to  be 
red  hot.  Advertise  that  Boyd  is  writing  a 
story  for  the  B.  and  G.  entitled,  "  The  Stu- 
dent's Revenge,  or  Who  Stole  the  Dough- 
nuts." Whisper  around  that  the  story  is 
so  grossly  immoral  that  you  hesitate  to  put 
it  in  the  book.  Then  on  the  morning  of 
issue  get  some  of  your  friends  to  have  you 
arrested  for  publishing  immoral  literature, 
and  get  Bancroft  to  put  a  notice  up  in  his 
window  that  he  will  sell  no  more  Bine  and 
Golds    after    to-morrow     noon.     Make    ar- 


96 

rangements  with  your  publishers  to  hp,ve 
his  press  run  night  and  day  to  supply  the 
demand  and  also  get  the  postmaster  to  put' 
on  an  extra  mailing  clerk.  And  by  the 
way,  if  you  can  get  people  to  believe  that 
they  are  shameful  and  not  fit  to  read,  you 
will  have  orders  from  all  over  the  civilized 
world.  So  that  I  think  it  would  be  a  good 
idea  to  get  an  edition  out  in  several  foreign, 
languages.  I  would  not  get  any  out  in  the 
Chinese  language  for  them  heathens  are 
not  civilized  enough  to  know  a  horrid  thing 
when  they  see  it.  And  by  the  way,  could 
not  you  get  a  photo  of  the  Tow^n  Hall  w4th 
a  long  strip  of  muslin  in  front,  inscribed, 
"  This  establishment  will  be  opened  as  a 
first-class  5c  Beer  Joint  on  April  ist.  And 
oh  my,  if  we  could  only  get  a  picture  of 
some  females  doing  the  Can-Can  and  label 
it,  "  How  the  young  ladies  of  the  Phi  Delta 
Screamer  Club  spend  their  evenings,"  it 
w^ould  wonderfully  increase  the  sales.  I 
was  thinking  of  studying  up  some    plan    to 

abuse  Prof  Le ,  but  he  is  such  a  good 

man  I  see  no  hope.  Still  I  shall  w^atch 
every  chance;  try  and  find  some  grounds  to 
roast  some  of  the  professors  and  regents. 

N.  B. — If  I  get  any  new  ideas  I  shall  call 
you  up  by  Phone  and  you  must  do  the 
same.  My  number  is  Macarroni  612,  Au 
revoir. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


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General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


